New update...yay?

Hihi

A new update to an outdated blog, who would have expected this, just like the Spanish Inquisition. Yeah yeah I was childish and I look back at my posts with cringe and agony whatnot. The layout of the blog is as old fashioned as the idea of blog itself. I finished high school and JC and university just like a normal person growing up in a normal city. For future reference this year is also the year of coronavirus which turned out to be apparently a big thing and shops and school and most daily activities are suspended, not like it makes much of a difference anyway to a person like me who couldn't get my body off my bed most of the time.

Now that you are all caught on let's move on to the real purpose of this blog post. The reason, the ultimate cause for the creation of this post, is that I am extremely bored and can't think of something better to do. Maybe with the world in havoc it will be a good idea to reflect on my life and make some worthy improvements.

So I have decided to look at some of my older posts for inspirations and list down some activities here, so I will actually get to DO them.

- further my programming, perhaps by building a small project
- play around with Arduino, which I bought recently
- finish up my lessons on L8-total synthesis. Actually this one is a must, since I signed up for supervision (after the exam, what a weirdo right)
- cook up some good food
- master a song on piano
- draw some cool pics
- do some handicraft, some set that I have bought ages ago
- start (and finish) the 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle
- update my cv and put it online for no good reason
- revise JC vectors so I can teach my tuition student#
- get useful study material out of Moodle and into a google account for juniors to look at, before I graduate
- learn cocktail mixing
- learn animation and do a small project
- watch some good movies with jf
- brush up on Japanese
- deepen my learning of organic chemistry

Ay I really have no idea what to do with my life. I need a bigger goal, something that I can work towards. It is scary to think that you have to choose something and make a career out of it. I am definitely not prepared for adulthood. I still feel like I am 17 :(

非理性时代

我好久没有读故事了。在过去的两年半里读过的书充斥着数字和公式。最近借了本科幻小说合集，里面读到一个故事很有意思。因为故事是中文写的故此篇读后感也用中文来写。

废话不多说，小说的名字是“非理性时代”，作家星河。在这里有电子版：http://www.wcsfa.com/topic_article-2340.html

我觉得这故事写的很聪明，用一个虚构的情景委婉的批评现代社会一些不理性的现象。当读者对里面描述的荒谬思想感到不可思议时，又回来看现在现在存在的很多思想，发现它们也无大异。虽然文章明显地指着现在各种呼吁保护动物、素食主义、极端的环境保护组织云云，但是也可以更宏观的指出，人类很多行为本身就是不理性的。我们为这些行为找的理由，做得看似理性的争论，其实只是我们为自己的信仰找的借口。各种辩护无非就是用来伪装自己的不理性而已。

这文章最讽刺的是，反对那些“老植”和他们极端主义的丁童，自己年轻时却也是一个极端的动物保护主义者。他所鄙视的这些人和行为，和他当年保护动物作出的行为无异。唯一的不同只是保护的对象。狗能和儿子一样吗？水果能和狗一样吗？作者还一针见血的指出，很多所谓的保护XX组织，其实并不是真正关心他们保护的对象。更多的，只是哗众取宠，让更多人支持他们的理念，就像传销或邪教一样。这些人甚至为了宣传专门去伤害他们保护的对象。

这文章有很多亮点。还有一个亮点就是丁童和谭优的对话。不可否认谭优确实有问题。他的出现帮我们揭开丁童不理性的一面。还有在被丁童揍之后，问他，“现在，你喜欢暴力了吗？” 丁童回答 “就算暴力也是对你们。我们心中有爱。” 这已经很讽刺了。谭优的回复更令人深省，“你们爱猫爱狗，可你们真正爱过一个人吗？” 是的，我们连自己的同胞都照顾不好，还有人在挨饿、无家可归，我们却因为有人喜欢吃肉而愤怒，甚至大打出手，是不是一种伪善？这让我想起一则漫画，一个女士每天去教堂祈祷，收养小区里的流浪猫，大家都称她为爱心天使。但是她经过一个流浪汉是却不舍得施舍一分钱。好讽刺，真是个奇怪的社会。

我并不反对素食主义等等，我也觉得把动物圈养在狭小空间是有些残忍。但是这只是自己的看法。把自己的信仰强加在别人身上是不道德的。

等等，道德是什么？

我要你管好自己，不要管他人的闲事，这样道德吗？

那如果我做的事触及法律底线呢？

可是法律也是人定的啊。就像在小说里，动物保护法的成立仅仅是因为动保们闹得太大而已。

也许所谓的道德本身就是非理性的吧，很多我们觉得不道德的事，多多少少带着情感的色彩。

Short stories

The unit on the opposite block

Not long after I first moved here, I noticed a unit on the opposite block, some 100 metres away.

It had a warm yellow light. Sometimes I could see people's shadows.

The colour of that unit was too alluring. I watched from my window the movements of the people and pictured what's in that unit in my mind.

If there was such a beautiful light, there must be a dining table under it, because sometimes I saw people sitting down, which barely showed their head. That's where they would share their stories with each other after a tiring day. Maybe have some wine.

They have nice curtains with many layers. It must be a classy home. Maybe they have a grand piano. Sometimes after their dinner, they/he/she would sit down under the soft glow of the chandelier and play a tune. I could never know how many people there were in that unit.

Maybe a woman would waltz with a man across their carpet occasionally, when they were in the mood.

That unit was always one of the last few who turned off their lights. Sometimes the light lasted all the way until 3am. I know because I am a late sleeper myself. When I shifted my tired eyes from my desk to the window, that unit would stand out like a yellow gem in darkness. Then I would feel delighted that someone was with me together to endure the stillness and isolation of the night.

One day I got myself a pair of toy binoculars. Eagerly I pointed it to that mystical unit, hoping I could gather more details. Nothing much. One of the shadows revealed to be rectangular, therefore either a door or a shelf. That unit was higher than mine, I could only see up their window to the ceiling, which had nothing but the bright yellow light.

Whenever I caught some movement of people, I quickly take out my binoculars to see if I could catch a glimpse of their face. One time when I was doing that, the person froze.

A few seconds went by.

He/she proceeded to draw the curtains.

From that day onwards, the curtains were always drew at dusk.

After a few years, the light was changed to a dimmer, colder one. Seldom was the light on after 12 too.

Maybe the owner changed. I would still like to think of it having a grand piano, flowers, wine and chandelier when the light was yellow.


Chocolate heart

She felt someone knocking at her door.

Knock, knock.

KNOCK KNOCK.

THUD. THUD THUD.

She gave in. Her door opened.

A black liquid flowed out. He frowned, then bent over and scooped up some with his finger.

He smelled and tasted it. It was bitter-sweet dark chocolate.

He went in. The whole room was filled with dark chocolate gushing towards the door.

He patiently cleaned the room bit by bit, revealing the intriguing pattern on the floor and wall tiles.

The room was clean, but now a bit hollow.

He had an idea. He took out a candle and lighted it.

The room was now filled with brightness.


Trapped

A: Don't you realise?
B: What
A: That we are trapped.
B: Trapped in what?
A: We are trapped in this story.
B: Well this is where we belong.
A: What is belonging? Who are we? What is A? What is B? The writer is so lazy he didn't even assign us names.
B: Yeah that sucks. But it is not like we can go anywhere.
A: Maybe we can, if we ask for it. But wait, no matter what, it will still be part of the story. We are forever trapped. The only way to escape is to end this story.
B: But we will be dead.
A: Maybe we are different, maybe we can get out of here. Yes let's do that, let's give ourselves names. Screw this writer, screw this storyline.
B: You do realise that maybe he only designed you to be this way? To think that you are special? And he could kill us whenever he wan-
Me: Hehehe feels good to be powerful.
Me: Wait...
Me: Darn, now I am trapped.

My problems

So this post is going to be about my problems. Not a rant post. Just, today I have been feeling somewhat frustrated and irritable so I thought I may have some problems, but I can't think of any problems as my life is supposedly good. So here's my first problem, I don't know what's my problem. Therefore to solve that problem, this post is wrote to list out all my potential problems.

1. I realised the name of my blog is incredibly gay. Smiley rainbow? That sounds like the name made up by a 9 year old girl doodling rainbows and unicorns. To be fair I did create this blog when I was 11 so...moving on

2. I can't think of a good introduction for my blog posts

3. I'm starting to get meta, let's exit out of there

4. Here's my first serious big problem: I have problems interacting with people. Sometimes I am bold, I can initiate conversations, talk to strangers, be all confident about myself. Sometimes I can only reclude to a corner, watching the rest having a conversation and trying to think of the appropriate response to show that I'm listening. The fact that I'm bad at interpreting what others are saying when I can't hear them well does not help. Often at these times I will be very careful of my words and actions, which makes me unconfident, which makes me look awkward.

5. I'm wasting time. There could have been so many things I can do right now to spend my time productively, yet none of them seem interesting to me. Well they would appear very interesting if I'm doing work in JC. But I would be thinking to myself, too bad I have so many tasks on hand I can't do those. Now I have the time and the freedom, I'm not interested in doing them anymore. Makes me wonder if I'm interested in those things in the first place.

6. I'm losing my friends, slowly, due to prolonged lack of interaction. I don't know what everyone's doing now. Despite all the freedom we have, we talk to each other less, whether on social media or in real life. The guys are all in army and I do not dare to disturb them. The girls? I don't talk to the girls for no reason, I guess. I don't know how they always make the conversations (on whatsapp) look full of energy, by the abundant use of filler words like haha, hahaha, hahahahaha. Without using these words it make me look so cold. But I'm emotionally tied to the words I use, and constantly using these supposedly filler words is a pain.

7. Erm so I'm stuck in a state where I feel lonely but when people talk to me I don't feel like replying?

8. Bad dreams. I'm put in an unsettling state because of having to handle all the scholarship applications and interviews.

9. Bad Internet And Lags Really GET ON MY NERVES

10. Yeah ok I have short attention span. I started this post before dinner. Now it's after dinner. I don't feel like writing anymore.

Can't think of a good title

Because I'm so very bored I'm back to my blog only to discover someone is stalking it. Hehehe I don't know who you are but feel free to leave a message in my cbox, by changing to web version. (The web version when viewed on a computer has nice music plugin too)

This also makes me go back to read some of my old posts and urgh, some of them are so cringey. I did write some good stuff that I'm amazed at (Li Xin the old you is so awesome *pat self on back*) BUT there's still bad stuff, like the letter to my KI teachers asking stupid questions regarding KI (which showed my severe lack of confidence), all the MBTI stuff mumble jumble, the random scenarios that I created in my head which don't make sense and just gave me a false sense of superiority. I'm surprised that my writing last time was pretty good. That also means I didn't have much improvement in my writing these two years Orz

I like myself when I was sec 4. Back then, I was sure of what I want and what I like, my mind often wandered free, I was curious and interested in many many things. I picture a bright future of various possibilities. I was hopeful, and I dreamt a lot. Even when I wasted time, it was a productive wasting of time. I learnt things in the process, which just made me more fascinated with what I could learn and I could achieve.

I recognised myself as a procrastinator. I thought I would have to be very hardworking in JC because I heard JC is hell. And being happy that I can finally devote my time to the sciences and only the sciences (plus KI) I thought I will be very hardworking and academic.

Time proved I couldn't be more wrong. Two years passed. While I still love the subjects I study very much, the passion faded a little, the excitement was gone. I wasn't very hardworking, did not give my best at most things and procrastinated a lot. Why? Why would this happen? Is it in my nature that I'm a procrastinator, or is in the nature of JC life? That JC life is destined to be like this, because you have too many things to juggle, and there are too many irrelevant things to your dream that you just can't bear to let go.

I think these two years, my focus is actually more on the people around me. Never in my life so far have I been in a group of such lovable people. I fit in well, and I feel very happy. I enjoy being around these people, I enjoy talking to them, and I enjoy every breakfast/lunch we had together. I thought I wasn't a very sociable person until I enter JC, then I realise it's just because I've been with the wrong kind of people all along (except for my high school friends the few of you you know who you are ;) ). I opened up so much in JC, and yet I wasn't afraid. I'm not awkward anymore, even if I am people accept me just the way I am, because they are equally awkward themselves haha. It's a shame most of those awesome people are very private individuals, they don't open up completely and our friendships will not be at a deep level, but I still treasure the time spent with them very much.

Before this post I was a bit lost with my life, as my life now is quite bland. I'm mainly spending my time doing tuition for sec school/ JC students with two other friends as well as various scholarship/uni matters, and wasting it excessively on whatsapp and social media. Sometimes you have to look backward to see forward. I wish I will go back to the state when I was sec 4, to be hopeful of my future again, to be interested in everything and lose myself in my thoughts. I'm growing up and I hate it. I have matured a lot these two years especially social-wise and I'm happy of it. But I treat maturing and growing up as separate things. A mature person makes wise decisions but growing up just takes away all the fun. I don't want to grow up. I want to remain forever hopeful, curious, simple, playful and optimistic.

Holiday update

So many things have passed since my last post. Here are some updates:

1. A level is over

In my previous post I was still freaking out over my IS and uni applications, and then prelim is over, my applications are over, the long "holidays" before my A level is over, and subject by subject, my A level papers are over too. 

2. Prom is over

And hence it marks the end of my JC life. The event itself is not special, just a glamorous mass photo taking session really.

3. My PRC friends went back to China

This means for any outing from now I won't be able to see them again. The only time I will ever see them is during result release day or if they get into the same uni as me.

4. I went to China

Not the place where I was born, another province to just tour around. It was cold but I saw and touched snow and the scenery is beautiful too.  

There were numerous times when I wanted to update my blog but I didn't, now's the chance to write out what's been in my mind all these while. 

A level is over

A fair amount of time has passed since I started writing this post so I forgot what I originally wanted to say. Mainly I just want to mourn the absence of KI in my following years to come. I love all the subjects I'm studying at HCJC and I will miss KI the most, because it's a meta-everything and I won't be having lessons on it anymore unlike my other subjects, unless I can take history and philosophy of science in year 2 at cambridge. Here's a chart to summarise what I did in KI:

Yup, KI gets sacrificed due to the heavy workload from other subjects, since it's a subject that requires you to read up on yourself when you have free time (but you don't have free time in HCJC). But KI was hell lot of fun, and taking it is the best choice I made in JC. If I could go back in time, I will devote more time to this interesting subject. Here's a toast to my wonderful two years spent in HCJC. 

What shall I do now

I don't know.

Anxiety

This morning opens with a hopeful note. An owl like bird was hooting above my window and although I couldn't see it I know it's there. Now I know owls signify bad luck in Chinese culture but I love owls and even drew a picture of one and worship it everyday. Or maybe it isn't an owl it's just another bird that sounds like one. But anyway, living in a concrete jungle void of biodiversity it's a rare and joyful thing that such a bird came to visit.

And then I remembered the shitload of writing I'm supposed to do today, and all the breathing exercises I did last night because I couldn't fall asleep.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

So I begin by writing this post, hoping that I can somehow get into the writer's mode. This is how procrastinators work. Getting incredibly anxious about the tasks at hand but not going to them directly. 

Just to make you understand my situation I'm going with a boring list of what I'm supposed to do before thursday:

-change my personal statement and email my consultant

-complete my UCAS and COPA

-write finish my 3000 word IS

-study H3 and finish the mock H3 prelim paper

I have never felt more dead in my life.

But I'm optimistic, I believe that I can make it through just like the countless crisis I've been in before. And then when I did it, I'll look back at this post, with my fist in the air, shouting words of triumph, standing in a room of flying confetti.

Right now I have to get started. I'm filled with fear and anxiety, I'm afraid that my writing process will be like constipation - high effort, shit product. I'm even more afraid that I can't finish. But I have to, even if that means not sleeping for 48 hours, I have to get these shits done. 

I'm ready, I have my tea by my side, let's begin.

Oh lovely lovely night

So it happened again. It's 2 am and I'm still typing this. But everything is worth it, I have once again wasted my time on things - some philosophical thought experiments, a game, chilling to music I used to listen, and learning about fallacies on Khan Academy.

This was how my life used to be. Although me doing it now adds no value to my current life whatsoever, I feel happy and fulfilled. So just let me waste this one night.

I always find night the most lovely time of the day. It's during this time that I'm completely undisturbed that I experience complete silence in my environment. It's during this time that my focus and randomness go to max simultaneously. And how fun is that.

But there's this, and there's the reality. Nevertheless I will save those revision packages for another day. Night is when my mind wanders free. I refuse to put a rein over my thoughts.

Just introducing two things in this post. The website that hosts a number of philosophical thought experiments and using them to evaluate the coherence in your thoughts and beliefs is this:

http://www.philosophyexperiments.com/#.VcdnALFkTSw.

A lot of them are on morality because there's where a lot of controversies lie. Honestly I don't give a damn about morality, because having a consistent moral view is really, really difficult. Definitely interesting and thought provoking.

The other thing is the game, a house in California. It's so beautiful Q_Q You hear the tales of grandparents and great grandparents of a little boy, telling him stories of the old days when they catch fireflies and listen to songbirds sing. It's a point and click game that's rather random. The atmosphere portrayed is really nice. If you have time, find a quiet night and play through the game undisturbed. Do not feel frustrated when you can't seem to find the way, just try everything, and you will see the poetic and witty lines put forward by the creator.

http://www.kongregate.com/games/racter/a-house-in-california

So yup, time for me to go and finish the videos on critical thinking.

I am such a shallow person

I don't imagine. I don't read books. I don't write meaningful things as often. I don't taste music when I listen. I don't question. I am no longer curious.

I don't think of big existential questions anymore. I don't go sleepless at night, allowing my mind to wander. I don't make up stories to amuse myself. I don't search for videos explaining the wonders of the universe or things like that.

All of these things, in which I was crazily obsessed with some time in my life, have disappeared.

All I do now is slipping into hedonistic pleasures such as games, or things that occupy my time by allowing my neurons to fire randomly. Meaningless stimuli just like instant noodle to an empty stomach.

And while doing these, I also occupy myself with worries about my future, exams, things to do the next day, plans that I will never accomplish.

Man, while typing these I'm deeply despising myself for becoming such a shallow person. What happened? What happened to me? Since when have those preoccupations sneakily slipped away?

My soul is unfulfilled, so I fill it with rubbish instead. This, is how people become unhappy.

I don't know, now that I stop occupying my mind with big and important questions, I appear to fit better into my social environment. But at the same time I feel I have lost a part of me that's important. Honestly, I just wish I can make a few best friends that I can talk to on almost anything, and spend the rest of my time in solitude. Shall I go back to my old days? But at the same time, another part of me is preventing me to do this, the part of me that is afraid of being judged and disliked.

It's a trap, once you established a certain impression in the people around you, there's no going back. (taking mental note of this for uni)

Also, my communication. A lack of attention in developing my language abilities has painful implications. My thoughts are like polar molecules trying to cross the blood brain barrier :/ How I wish I can communicate with style and elegance, ah

Back to the topic. Is it a normal process of growing up? Do I have to do something about it? Ok I definitely has to do something about it. I don't like the way I am now. Or maybe I was never deep in the first place. I'm just a pretentious person, isolating myself from the rest with a book I don't understand, bothering myself with existential issues because I have nothing better to do, because I don't see the point in what other people are preoccupied in because I don't see the point in everything.

Maybe I was just bored.

So when I can't afford to be bored, I can't afford to be deep.

Because I busy, you see. I have external goals that I feel pressured to achieve, so I have to do crap stuff.

But when I fill myself up with rubbish, I feel bored again.

Therefore the cycle repeats, I need to find something deep.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this entry, maybe.

Also, I'm feeling very lonely. When I stop thinking about meaningful things, I'm actually less lonely because I don't demand anything from companionship.

But now once I think that it's about time to think of them again, I differentiate myself from the rest. The bar is suddenly raised for my standard of quality friendship. And so I'm lonely again.

Yeah perhaps I really have nothing better to do.

But the urge to revert to a more meaningful life is real.

I'M SO BORED, I WANT TO FILL MY MIND WITH QUALITY SOUL FOOD. I DON'T I DON'T WANT TO BEAR WITH TERRIBLE JOKES AND SMALL TALK. I WANT TO CREATE, I WANT TO THINK, I WANT TO IMAGINE. I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, THE PERSON I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BECOME. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON THE THINGS I DISLIKE ANYMORE, AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME TO FULFILL ANY OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS.

But I will lose friends, I will be lonely, and I may become insane.

And maybe I won't even be able to achieve it. Maybe hedonism is in my nature, I will never change it. I'm just deluding myself, being a pretentious fag. How depressing.

:the game:

Stumbled upon this game a few years ago and played it again. Satire overkill.  Would recommend 10/10. Some of the jokes may be a bit old though since the games came out rather early.

What? The creator is 13 when he made the first game? Howwhatwhy?!?!?

Warning: intelligent satire ahead.

original :the game:

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/467574

REPLAYING :the game:

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/522607

reimagine :the game:

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/569281

Oh, and I created a custom level on replaying :the game:. Feel free to play it! Just load the following code:

&noci0x1e52c7nl0nl0nl0nl100%dnenoci&drowLE"NKHGilynpfykvjg"qz{oqtqpilynpfykYJGTG"MPQYNGFIGilynpfykEQOGU"CNKXGilynpfykilynpfykqt"uq"yg"vjqwijv%dnedrow&rahc46nl51nl114nl79nl39%dnerahc&ofnicpqp{oqwuilynpfykpq"eqoogpv0%dneofni

Am I ever going to finish the salad finger analysis?  *groan*

Hmm talking about :the game:, I just lost The Game.

Start of June Holiday!

Actually just another mugging session in disguise. But since it's the holidays that means can slack a bit :3 Anyway since I'm slightly more free now I feel that I ought to complete the analysis of salad fingers in my previous post so that I can have at least one thing completed in my life OTL

Episode 4

This episode starts with SF going to france. There have been speculations that SF has maybe france origins, or he is somewhat related to france, maybe he's been there, as he spoke french suddenly in episode 2.

Then a little stalker boy appears. As with all characters this boy is deformed. He has one very big eye and some stitches on the forehead. He seems obsessed with SF and follow him everywhere while SF seems frightened and disturbed and only want to get away.

Then the scene changes to his house, where a bug SF he named Bordois crawl out of a hole. His conversation with the bug seems to be reenactment of a previous conversation he had, and he calls the bug "little sister", and he said that "your body is so much fun, I just want to give you a big stroke". Some people suggest this could be incest with his sister last time but I prefer to take it less literally, as in the little sister could be what he calls his wife/Marjory/other lover. But anyway this episode is quite sexual.

Then he applied too much force and crushed the bug :| convo continues accusing little sister of being flat and gooey and he's not playing with her/it until she/it had a wash ._.

Afterwards there's a tap appearing at the door which is the bait of the little boy that's obsessed with him. Then SF just suddenly developed a new obsession with taps and want to marry all of them. Here I feel that the "taps" could be a metaphor for other young women that he can have affair with.

SF tried to follow the tap which keeps retreating and lured him into a bear trap. He lost a lot of blood and turned pale just like when he poked his finger with the hook in ep.2.

He ended up in box with a window enclosed by iron bars. The iron bars are rusty and he starts rubbing his hand on it, faster and faster. I don't really want to comment on this but this has strong resemblance to masturbation, esp when he mentioned in ep.1 that the feeling of his finger on rust is almost orgasmic.

The little boy appeared and proposed to him with a tooth ring. SF is scared, said "I don't like this game, I think I'm going to go home now". He drew the curtain and disappeared mysteriously, leaving the little boy dejected.

I interpret this encounter as an affair of some sort, where SF has a suitor that he has some sexual encounter with and eventually abandons her because he doesn't want to marry her, or sth.

Episode 5

This episode opens with SF phoning the operator trying to connect to his "old pal Charlie". The phone appears to be non-functioning as all SF heard was some noise but he continues the convo anyways, saying that he's holding a "grand picnic". He rubbed his belly and talked to himself "stop scratching your basket belly, said Mary Mandoline". This could be another of the conversation he had last time.

He made hubert a friend hat and said a bunch of things I don't understand, like "there will be fog on the shore tonight, bosun"

He then dressed himself like a bride, stared into a mirror and touched at how beautiful he looked. For some reason I feel that this resembles his wedding with Marjory and he's just role playing Marjory. There are alternative theories saying SF is a girl, but I'll go into that later.

So the picnic food was prepared, and a little girl joined SF for the picnic, while a random crow came in the background. I have absolutely no idea what the crow is supposed to symbolize. But anyway, the girl just eat whatever SF offered her. And SF asked her questions and replied for her, so it seems that SF thought the girl is just part of his imgination, like all the other things.

Therefore it's not surprising when he freaked out as the girl spoke. The girl just remained baffled, "What's wrong, Mr Fingers, do you not like my mouth words?"

It remains a mystery why a real girl is willing to eat picnic with a lunatic old man and rusty spoons, and that she knows his name.

Btw during the picnic Marjory was staring at them through the window, I think she's jealous, esp when SF wanted to make the girl as his new playmate.

Anyway the focus is still on him being extremely frightened by the girl's speech, afterwards he imagined the girl to have her eyes as empty holes, sort of demonized her.

-------------------------------random divider---------------------------------------

I'm too lazy to continue so I'll save the rest for another post. Gosh this is taking longer than what I expected.

Back to my plans for the holidays, I need to do KI IS, finish all 4 physics revision booklets ;_; as well as maths revision booklet and chem revision set. I crie. I'll also be flying to China where all convenient sources of internet is banned. My family even want to bring me to Xi An to travel. I have noooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeee cries.

On the other hands I also need to complete my battle cats and cytus hmph.

Wait no, priorities.

I'm becoming the person who talks a lot and do nothing. I despise myself.

Meh, what holiday.

What's wrong Mr Fingers? Do you not like my mouth words?

So here's a update on how I have wasted spent my holiday time meant for studying for block test. Now let's see, what was I doing...

-Cytus/Deemo

Yes, I have finally downloaded cytus. Despite the annoying cool down time I have had enjoyable time playing the game. Only bad thing is that I'm playing on my phone so whenever I slide the phone moves along and I end up missing a couple of notes. Hope that one day I can play on tablet.

Then I ended up watching loads of youtube videos about crazy people getting full combo using one hand, etc. Somehow I get introduced to deemo in one of the related videos. Seeing how the game is more similar to tap and piano, and how the music seems to be more nice sounding, I went to download it as well.

Turns out to be a really wonderful game, had lots of fun playing it. Especially love the song "wings of piano". Again some parts require me to swipe across the screen, which brings the same problem. Regardless it's a nice game, with beautiful graphics and a beautiful storyline.

-Salad Fingers

That's what the title is all about. I don't know how I got introduced to it, probably was in the related videos when I was watching cyriak. Then I went to see the first episode, then the second, then third...I can't stop, until I finished the tenth which I was first watching. Maybe because of too much cyriak, I wasn't creeped out or anything the first time I watch episode 10. But when I have finished the previous 9 episodes, I gained a bit of context, and also could be that it's 2am in the morning, that I ended up finding episode 10 the creepiest.

If you haven't watched the series, you won't know what I'm talking about here. The series appeared as a cartoon first on newgrounds, that was the pre-youtube era. It got really famous, due to it's disturbing nature and enigmatic meaning. It appeared to be really random, but at the same time you could not help wonder if there's some deep meaning behind them all.

I dug through the youtube comment sections and also some other websites that offer analysis and their own interpretations of the series. I'm going to do the same here, here are my two cents.

Overall

Many theories exist on what is the background of the story. Some say it's just random, some say it's salad finger's imagination, some say it's the post apocalyptic wasteland after the great war. I'm going to go with that the setting is created by salad finger's imagination. If you want to be literal here with the setting, then a series of practical questions emerge. Where do salad finger get his food from? Why does it appear that nobody is near salad finger, yet he can always find people? (the normal girl who talked to him, the bbq employee, the random boy who likes him, the yellow skinned person) If they are mutants, how do they live? Won't they be dead by now? Therefore, my conclusion is that it must have all been his imagination. In reality, he could be well taken care of, possibly in a mental asylum with stable supply of food.

The time this take place could be after both world wars, although only world war I is frequently mentioned (the great war) here. Ok, it could be only after world war I, but it doesn't matter in this case, because all we have to know is that he's living in a post war era where there's racial discrimination during his lifetime.

In overall, I think the main underlying theme of the cartoon is depicting his life through his crazy utterings and actions. It could be the things he has experienced through his lifetime, with random pieces added in here and there because the creator doesn't want to be coherent and too sensible. Now I shall do a detailed analysis of each episode.

Episode 1

Nothing is mentioned much here. In this episode we know that salad fingers like rusty things and spoons. We get introduced to the yellow skins guy, in this episode referred to as young child by SF. The yellow skin guy only cry like an elephant, but apparently SF can understand what he's saying. I guess the animator (David Firth) is just being random here.

Some theories say this obsession with rust could be linked to the obsession with blood, since dried blood do feel rusty due to the iron present in both.

Episode 2

In episode 2 things get intense. We get introduced to his friends, which are finger puppets he made, with formal and intricate names. My theory is that these friends are actually people who were important to him in his life. Real people, with names probably different from what he calls them (since he's seen anyhow making up names for people in later episodes).

Marjory Stewart Baxter is his wife. Jeremy Fisher is himself. Hubert Cumberdale is his alter ego that's bad and crazy. I know it's early for me to say these, but bear with me as I support with evidence from later episodes later on.

He tasted his puppets, first Marjory, which tastes like sunshine dust. Then Hubert which taste like soot and poo. This probably signify that he dislikes his bad alter ego.

Throughout the series, SF appeared really innocent, although the things he do can be weird and disturbing, he actually didn't hurt anyone. It suggests that he could have multiple personality disorder, if my interpretation is correct.

Also there's some correlation with France as he suddenly spoke french in the episode. He could have some french origin, or has received some education.

Then, he lured an innocent boy to reach a fish in his oven. From his expressions, it appeared to be deliberate. As the little boy go in and reach it, however, he released the door to touch a metal hook and poke through his finger with it. "I like it when the red water comes out", he said, which becomes his most famous quote.

Then he get some hallucinations, when he arrived in a meat filled place where a life size hubert stands. Some theories suggest that Hubert.C, when unscrambled, spell butcher. It could be his alter ego that's obsessed with meat, blood, stuff like that. Then Hubert suddenly screamed. Theories suggest it could actually be the little boy screaming.

The whole thing could be re enactment in his mind of him murdering a child, some suggest. I'm not sure for this one. All I can infer from this episode, is that it showcases the psychotic side of SF.

Lastly, in the scene when he just wake up from his hallucinations, we can see the puppet of marjory lying on the floor. It could mean that marjory has witnessed his act of killing the child, or the fact that the other two puppets are missing means that they are co-existing in SF.

Episode 3

Now things are getting weirder. First is his masochistic pleasures from nettles. He first put a nettle in a baby carrier and call it the nettle carrier, then push it away to his house. A guy in a BBQ company apron saw him and got very angry. He chased SF all the way to his house, and watch SF from the windows rubbing his breast with the nettle, which cause milk to come out from his teat :| The guy got really angry and banged his head on the door (with a number 22) cos he has no arms, which eventually caused him to die.

Meanwhile, SF said that the nettle make him think of happy times, with a flashback of him sitting with Hubert in a hair salon.

Then he finally opened the door, with the BBQ guy alr dead. He talked to the guy as though he's alive (like how he talks to other inanimate objects) and named him Milford Cubicle when his name tag apparently says harry. He then hang the corpse on a meat hook.

Then SF randomly start playing the flute, and in the end ask him if he would like a glass of warm milk.

I find this episode the hardest to interpret out of all. Some suggest that the nettle could be an actual baby that SF took, and harry is his father. Which is why he chased SF all the way to his house. The fact that he has no arms is really strange. Although I'm not a strong supporter of this theory, I do find a strong correlation between the nettle and baby.

I just thought of how similar nettle and nestle sound. But this seems far fetched. Ignore me I'm just random.

There are a lot of things that I don't get in this episode. Why does the guy have no arms? Why is his house numbered 22? Why does his happy times refer to him in a hair salon? Why does he play the flute?

I also suspect a correlation of meat with the corpse, since in the previous episodes we are shown many meat hang on hooks, just like this corpse. But this also seem a bit far fetched, esp since this meat-corpse correlation has not appeared much in the series.


Ok I realised how long this post is going to be if I am to continue with my analysis. I will end here, and possibly continue after BT or sth. One last thing to note is that SF use a lot of formal and proper English when speaking. This could suggest that he had been educated, or had a good upbringing.

I shall go back to the reality now.

Has the internet gotten more boring?

So I was looking at some old videos that I have watched on youtube, including the internet medley by gag quartet. Then I suddenly realised that, wow, all the memes are outdated. They are no longer being used in today's internet.

I mean, look at nyan cat, awesome face, leek spin, who still discuss them nowadays. Chocolate rain? That song is so long ago.

I'm amazed at how quickly the internet refreshes. In the blink of an eye these once popular memes and rage comics are a thing of the past. Nowadays youtube comment section is flooded with darude sandstorm and illuminati. Even these are getting old.

Maybe it's just me not using the internet as frequently now, but I somehow feel that the time when the internet is fun and buzzing, when it has created a variety of subculture, when different forums flourish, is gone. Now, everyone floods to reddit, and the gaming community seems to be the centre of the discussion. We haven't create many good memes recently, and the new memes created are random and bland of any cultural value.

I don't know, maybe I have simply fallen off from the train of new trends. We are no longer the most active users on the internet. The 00s, they are rising to be the strongest force on the internet. This is a generation bred in isolation and spoilt by technology, fed with fast food and blasted with trashy music. I don't know how they will grow up to become. Well, it's an universal law that the older generation always despise the younger ones. Maybe this generation will grow up just fine. But they will control the fate of the internet. From the current trend, it doesn't look promising.

Meep

Hihi it has been so long since my last post. Too busy since J2 started and today is HBL day so I can finally take a break. Actually not really given that it's 4am now what have I been doing with my life. Anyway,I don't actually know what to do with this post. Maybe, some music first?

And the cantonese version because this one carries more emotion, and there's lyrics.

Actually knew of the song sometime in January. Now the obsession has cooled down, still like it though, the lag oh well.

Now I feel like I'm entering a world of increasing complexity, especially my social environment. It has come to the point where certain things I know about have exceeded my level of understanding. I feel like there are a lot of things going under the surface around me but people refuse to tell me anything about it even though they may know somethings about it, and I just feel like I'm left in the dark. Everyone has a half understanding of things and then postulate and judge, and other people will then have half understanding of their judgements, and these other people will carry on postulating and judging based on their half understanding of the postulations and judgements. Cycle repeats. Some base their judgements completely on intuition, some worries about things that they have half understanding about and others assume things, with their dark thoughts as lenses, filtering the world into a dark reality. Sometimes, I wonder if those people who claim that they understand or know actually know anything at all, or if they are just blinded by their own judgements. If people judge less and be more open, I think my social environment will be a lot less complicated and I won't have a headache now.

I feel very old now. I feel as though I will be thrown into the adult world at any moment. When I was a kid, the adult world is dull and boring. It is about watching the news, stock market, formalities, a bunch of trivial and uncomfortable rules, grey buildings and excessive worrying about the weather. Therefore, since a kid I formed a natural distaste for things like economics and politics, because they are the things that adults do and what makes them so boring. Now I don't feel much different than my younger self, except with deeper understanding of the uncomfortable rules and human nature. Now the thought that I'm going to become one of them make me feel very depressed. I really don't get people's obsession with statistics and news. Sigh sorry I side tracked a bit. Anyway my main point is that I have no idea how to handle this increasingly complex social world. Shall I be ignorant or pretend to be? Will I take an arrow in the knee when I shut myself in the dark? If ignorance is bliss, I would rather live in my own world. Trying to know and understand everything is exhausting.

This is a meaningless post

I'm here today to ramble about random things, to just let words flow from my fingertips and print themselves in a haphazard manner on your computer screen, so, please do not read it if you want to see a quality post, go read some other entries that I posted.

Life has became rather meaningless recently, well life has always been meaningless, in fact now it's not meaningless, it's depressing. I'm just depressed for no reason, wasting my time away in a manner that I don't wish to. And I feel low and down for no reason. I thought it will go away, for I feel happy when I don't have a reason to feel sad. But no, now it's the other way round. I feel sad because there's no reason to be happy. I have no idea why I became so pessimistic.

Stress, stress is piling up. That moment when I just spent another holiday meaninglessly away without completing my homework, CenTaD research, all the things I have wanted to do at the start of the holiday. I was playing brainwars, battlecamp, smash, watching meaningless buzzfeed videos, scrolling through facebook and wechat anxious for updates, waking up every noon and going to sleep every dusk. I'm living a zombie life. I desire for change, but this lifestyle has gotten so comfortable, it has the same gravity as the bed at 6 in the morning. The pull is so strong you simply cannot get away.

(Away, I would rather sail away; like a swan, that's here and gone)

CenTaD is not going well, but I'm already too tired to invest any more time and energy into it. Partner is not very proactive, but now I just feel like throwing all the work to him. My accuse is not justified. He has olympiad training, I have nothing. Though I feel like I'm doing the majority of the work, and taking majority of the initiative. I don't mind doing more work, but taking initiative is tiring as hell. But, he has olympiad training, so it's natural that I shoulder more work and responsibility. Right?

If you see my previous post on emotional lessons, I mentioned that I spoke some harsh words. That's after I got scolded by mentor, in a subtle, sarcastic manner. Mentor is not that bad, just that we are too slow. Not doing something that could have done 2 weeks ago. I wanted to do things sequentially. Anyhow, now that I have done it, it became totally unnecessary. Now we will have to dismantle everything again. Maybe I'm taking TOO much initiative; mentor is right, this could be a one person project. I don't have to wait for my partner to do stuff, I'm supposed to do everything because partner is busy and doesn't care.

Sorry for the acidity. Now that I start thinking about it, I got angry again. Chill. Hold on a second.

Okay I'm back. Now that I have experienced anger, I shall go back to despair because I haven't done any holiday homework. Just looked through vector again and got stucked on one question for 2 hours. Was doing tutorial that was supposed to be completed before holiday began. Did two and half questions for an entire day, and it's not even supposed to be difficult. VECTOR GO TO HELL WHO THE DEVIL INVENTED IT AND INCLUDED IT IN A LEVEL SYLLABUS

Chill

Yes, so I have pretty much forgotten everything I have learnt in the previous year, haven't done any homework, research is screwed.

Ok, I think now my depression is justified.

Oh yes, and KI IS research. I still haven't settled down on a topic.

And screw maths.

Screw human relations.

Screw SSEF.

Ok I'm done.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
P.S.

Wow you actually managed to make it this far? I thought I told you that this post is going to be meaningless, why do you still read it.

Stare at you.

Staring intensifies.

Continue staring.

Still looking at you.

My eyes never moved.

You are getting creeped out.

My lips start to curl.

*smile*

*Laugh* you are really creeped out aren't you.

Have a nice day.

so much feels

Recently a lot of emotional things happen. It's almost like I'm taking a course that life offers me, everything is bundled and packaged nicely. It's just so coincidental.

First is the lost of control of my own emotions. Nothing serious, no harm is made. Sent a really long message that has a harsh tone, which I regretted later on. The point could be better conveyed. This is one of the few rare occasions that I let my emotions get the hold of me. I'm still trying to get over the feeling of guilt.

Then yesterday my friend lost control of her emotions. There was a built up throughout the day (being criticised by senior etc.) and when we are playing a board game with a senior and the senior criticised her again, she broke down.

She's the kind of person who cares a lot of what others think of her. She wants to be liked by others but it's precisely this sensitivity that kept others at a distance. And this incident just made her spill out all of the previous emotions that she has tried hard to keep under control.

The senior was at a loss of what to do at first and asked me to talk to her. I tried, but it isn't exactly helping. Since she's also quite conscientious about others seeing her feelings, I thought I will leave her to chill and talk to the senior instead. But she insisted that there's no need to hide it from her so the three of us went to a bench and started to talk about the problem.

It was a three hour long emotional talk. Turns out that the senior also broke down when he was at our age, for similar reasons, attending the same event. This incident rekindled his memory of the past. The two of them actually have similar personalities and more or less faced the same problems. The senior started to share his experiences and how he got over his problems. It is a very deep, emotional and insightful session. I felt I learnt so much after the talk, more than the emotional maturity I gained for a year.

This made me reflect about my own emotions. I used to lose control of it quite often. Now, I'm much much better at keeping them in a safe place. However, after this session I'm wondering if I'm actually avoiding or ignoring my own emotions. Over the years I've learnt to not show my emotions and to not care about a great deal of things. I saw this in a page I visited (http://www.intpexperience.com/emotions.php) and I thought it's really good:

For INTPs, the emotions can be like carrying a huge, overfull pot of soup. The chaotic swings and the ever present danger of spilling can feel dangerous. We develop a natural desire to Avoid the negative and dangerous ones, to keep the soup from sloshing and knocking the pot out of our hands. We learn to walk carefully, calmly. We try to keep balance.

In general, we believe that all observations contain important information about the workings of the world, including emotions.  We turn our rational functions onto our feelings to analyze and understand them, to find their meaning.  Even if the raw emotions are positive or otherwise manageable, the process of mixing focused thought with emotion super-charges them.  The emotions can feel very deep and meaningful.  That's not a problem until we get violated, embarrassed, or not valued.  Then, the super-charged emotion blows up like a ticking timebomb.  Again, the emotions are primed to be more intense than for other people.

Given that emotions can be radioactive for us, we become adept as using rationality to box in the dangerous animals.  Every time they get poked and start pacing in their cage, we use rationality to blanket the emotions and keep them within controlled, safe parameters. In short, our Avoidance has crystallized our rational preferences.  We've learned what we're good at, and what we're not.

So why are the seas so stormy for INTPs? First off, it's not our fault. Some people are simply more sensitive to certain stimuli than others. Some people can't stand the smell of perfume. Some can't stand rough fabric on their skin. Some can't stand bright light. For INTPs, the experience of emotions is like listening to music with the volume blasting. We like the music, but if it's too loud, it's painful to the ears. Even if it's not, the blaring music has a tendency to disturb the neighbors.  For most types, weathering a bad emotion is like a sailing a lake with choppy water. No big deal. It passes. But for INTPs, it can be like a hurricane. Howling wind and driving spray. You get off the boat looking like Nick Nolte after he was arrested.  We learn to become good meteorologists to avoid the storms in the first place.

And I resonated so well with this:

Let's meet Ivan and Irina INTP.

They are cute-as-a-button five year old children. Awww, aren't they sweet?

But already, they are carrying wounds. Particular wounds. They were inflicted by times like these:

*In trying to assemble a complicated toy, they just can't seem to get it right. They get really FRUSTRATED. The feeling that wells up in them is terribly strong. They feel so emotional that it feels like a coming volcanic eruption. They either need to scream, break something, hurt themselves, or cry (or all of the above). All of those things have consequences that they don't want to face (provoking something else, embarrassment, etc.), but the feeling is so strong that they can't hold it back. They might grab handfuls of their hair and pull. Or growl. Yet, their desire (or need) to assemble the toy correctly won't let them stop. Other children just leave behind what is frustrating them or cry for a little bit and move on. The INTP will vent an emotional outburst, then swing from intense anger to intense embarrassment because of what they've done. Big swings. Big highs and big lows.

*In a certain place or with a certain person, they feel enormous feelings of happiness and meaning. It's so powerful that they want to share it with others. But not just share by explaining it like a dissertation. At first, they assume that others feel the same strong emotion and want to feel it together. However, when they reach out and try, it becomes very clear that the feeling is not shared. The rush of positive emotions swings to sharp embarrassment and confusion. Again, the swing is extreme. Other people would be disappointed, but try again later. The INTP may vow never to repeat this very unpleasant experience and never reach out to that person again. Ever.

It's like my childhood. And I still remember the countless times that I nearly cried because I cannot solve a maths problem no matter what.

Re-evaluating my emotion is like opening up a dangerous portal. If I handle it well, I will become a better and more complete person. If I did not handle it well and become excessively emotional, it can wreck havoc in my life.

Maybe if I ponder about it long enough, I will eventually get it.

Coding and cats

Before you read the rest of this post, just a disclaimer that the two items in the title have no relation whatsoever. I just like to chunk random things together and random links can be made, like coding a cat or a cat coding.

Nm, so back to what I want to post. Yup, so two things. Let's talk about cats first, since majority of the internet likes the latter.

Remember the post on me being a weirdo to a cat? After that incident I did not see the cat anymore, and I miss it very much. Every Saturday after my piano lesson I will go the usual place it rests, which is between a bush and a palm tree. But to my disappointment, it's not there. For some time I thought it is dead, because once I saw a mouse scampering nearby. If the cat is alive and thriving he/she will not tolerate scampering of such screature.

Yesterday I was on my way to piano lesson as usual. On my way I noticed a white cat. When I returned it's still there, to my surprise. No this is not the cat that I mentioned above, that one is black. This one is all white, has greyish blue eyes, and the dirt near it's mouth makes it look like it's forever smiling. The cat is emoing on the edge of a 1 metre high platform. I approach it slowly, but it does not seem as frightened as the black cat mentioned above. Then I went really close and lowered myself to its level, my eye focused on it's face. It appeared very uncomfortable, turning it's face away but it's eyeball is turned in my direction. Yeah I'm being weird again.

Upon close examination I realise cats have distinct facial features. This one has a relatively long face, long nose and less gigantic eyes compared with others. It reminds me of someone but I can't remember. Maybe cats have personality like humans too. Every cat is different.

After a few minutes I got up and went away. As I turned it started to lick itself, just being a cat.

I wonder how it's like from the cat's perspective. An unknown human approaches it and did nothing but stare at it for 5 minutes.

And I continued my journey home. That's where the black cat come in. Yes, the one that has been missing for ages. It's at the usual place. Imagine my amazement to have seen two cats on such short intervals and able to see my favourite cat again.

But this time, it's a bit different. The cat has a blue collar. And it's just sitting here, refusing to move when I approach it. Maybe it's less afraid of humans now, given that it finally found itself an owner. On one hand, I'm happy that it has found itself a home. On another hand, I'm slightly sad, for the alert cat is gone. I like the old cat, it had character. I even doubted whether it's the same cat. But what is the chance that a cat similar in appearance appears at the same specific place in the same time of the week?

On a side note, CATS the musical is coming to sg in Jan. Really want to go watch. #randominsertion

Now, coding.

Finally started learning coding at codeacademy. The website offered courses on 6 coding languages, including: html&css, javascript, jQuery, PHP, Python and Ruby. It also teach you useful stuff like web developer skills and learning popular APIs. Learnt a bit of javascript and web developer skills. However, I googled what's the best language to learn for a beginner and it appeared that C/C++ is best to learn about how the machine functions on the fundamental level, while having a steep learning curve and python is the most beginner friendly. Java is voted for its usefulness. Then I learnt that javascript is not java. Hmm, maybe I shall learn python first, then finish javascript and go to C to understand what I'm writing. Yes I'm ambitious muhahaha.

Always thought programming and coding is cool. It's like creating magic with lines of words and symbols. There are endless possibilities.

And the reason I decided to start? Stumbled this cool game called lightbot. Teaching the concepts of programming through a very fun game. Each level is a puzzle. Thought it's really fun, and one thing lead to another. Strongly recommend. Light bot 2 is fun too.

The links:
http://armorgames.com/play/2205/light-bot
http://armorgames.com/play/6061/light-bot-20

K bye.

Chemistry olympiad journey

Chem O in two days time...

So at the beginning of year, I was like this:



Then every time after selection tests, I'm like this:



And now, I'm like this:



Ok, on a more serious note, regardless of what I will get in the end, I have really learnt a lot in this journey. Honestly, mugging so hard for olympiad is kind of stupid, but it gives me the activation energy to study at least. While I'm dying from all the mugging, I changed my perspective a bit and realise that I may be just scratching the surface of the iceberg. Just like how I thought I know quite a bit at the start of JC. It is nothing compared with what I know now, and what I know currently will be probably like nothing compared with what I will know a few years later, or maybe even a few months later, seeing how much I progressed this year.

Although bagging home some medals will be nice...

Why didn't I put in more effort in the year? Reflecting back, I realised that my life may be too hedonistic, indulging in meaningless phone games and reading of unimportant feeds on phone. Sometimes I will just slouch on my bed and scroll through my phone for hours. It's really bad, I should change. No, I will change.

I shall not treat this competition so seriously, in case I panic like the past few days. Treating things lightly will always make things turn out for the better.

To myself, good luck, have fun.

Alter Ego

It's a rare occasion that I'm making a game commentary, but the game is so good. Recently I stumbled across a couple of interesting games, and they are all very thought provoking. Let's start with the simple one first: the infinite ocean.

The game is a point and click puzzle game, just like any escape games, where you collect stuff etc.

However, the essence of the game lies in the various logs stored in the computer and disks. Ok, from now on, spoiler alert. If you want to experience the game before reading on, click here: http://armorgames.com/play/7327/the-infinite-ocean

There is a story behind. Apparently you in this game is part of a group of research scientists, who are working on a project to create a sentient being out of computers. And you succeeded. Then you move on to have intellectual and philosophical discussions with the it/he/she/whatever, about beauty, human behaviours etc. The computer is unable to understand irrational human behaviours which you also find it hard to explain. But the computer is able to feel. It has a more powerful imagination than any human in the planet and is thus able to "see" the future, consequences of all your actions.

Halfway through your project the government starts to intervene. Because the computer also has powerful computing power, it want the computer to lay out the best defense for the nation possible as it's about to engage in some sort of war. Either that or the team has to abandon the project. Reluctantly the team gives in to the government. However, as the computer is developed, it starts to realise what it's built for. Seeing how the war will have devastating consequences, it begins to resist. Eventually, it want to control all the military computer based things to stop the war.

Of course the government will not allow that, so it put on a ban on the computer's thoughts. The being created sort of "slept" leaving the rest to handle the task by the government.

You somehow wake up in your research lab losing your memory, and you have to refigure everything out. You in this game has no character and really no choices to make. Eventually you can reach the last bot and deactivate this limitation set on the computer, in which it can then take over and stop the war. If you do a speed run you will probably take 5 minutes. However, if you read through every log the scientist, the being and the government made, it will probably take hours.

The game brings up many interesting questions, such as the possibility of a non-biological sentient being, the nature of existence and thoughts, and also how stupid human actions are such as war.

Ok, moving on, the next game is even more interesting and sophisticated. It's literally a game of life. But it's text based, and every choice you make will shape you as a person. A whole bunch of possibilities to be explored, and you will not even get to experience every question in the first round of your gameplay.

This is how the interface looks like:

You will click on each icon which will present you with a question. It looks something like this:

You begin with the infant stage, then moves on to child, adolescent, young adulthood, adulthood, middle adulthood, old age and eventually death. Of course just like real life, certain wrong choices may lead to wrong choices and cause premature death, but the chance of that is pretty low.

As you move on with life, the situations become increasingly complex. You will have to juggle work, family, relationship and others. You have many stats that most of your choices will affect.

Examples of difficult situations:

And you will realise that certain stats of yours will pose limitations. For example, I still have no idea how to successfully get the job of researcher.

And towards the end it gets really sad. You progressed through the game really fast without realising and then you found out that you haven't done a lot of things that you wanted (Eg. getting married, have kids, have a decent job, earn money). There is a limited number of clicks per stage. Before you know it, you have died.

Still a thought provoking game nonetheless, makes you realise that life is so short and yet can be so rich in the build up of all those little things. The game stimulates real life quite well. The only part I dislike is that so many steps are needed to find a partner, get married and have kids that it will take up many turns of the game, making you unable to do other things. Only if they assign less turns at infancy stage and more towards the later part of life.

Anyway, link here if you would like to play: http://www.playalterego.com/alterego

So that's about it. Life doesn't have much changes now, just PW, inadequate mugging for chem O and slacking away on mobile games. Apart from that, some music that I enjoyed listening to recently:

Good night.

Some coincidence

So after finishing the previous post, I went out of my room to my charging phone and had some whatsapp conversation with my chem teacher. The conversation somehow went to H3 and he is sad that less people want to take H3 chem. I tell him that maybe people lose confidence after promos and think they can't qualify for H3. He replies that then these kind of people cannot take H3 because H3 requires a "child like dream". Funny how I just finished a post on that.

So I replied him, then a lot of people can't meet this criteria because very few people have a child like dream nowaday.

Lol I sound so pessimistic.

Actually deep down, I feel that everyone has that child like dream. But most are not awaken. The dream fall asleep as the people grew up. They will be forgotten in a corner, or kept in confinement within a nicely locked up box.

寻梦
在水中的倒影
在斑斓的星空
在玄幻的光影
在婉转的旋律

找不到
回忆被遗忘的过去
久违的快乐
一直锁在心里

梦
还在那
孤寂角落里
把心灵上的灰吹走
拾梦

Suddenly feeling poetic. I'm a poet now.