Panic attack

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

Maths tmr, maths tmr, maths tmr, maths tmr, maths tmr, maths tmr, maths tmr

I'm so screwed. Should have started revision earlier. Look at all those questions I don't know how to do. Look at all those stupid careless mistakes that I have made. Ahh I can't think.

A 3 hour paper, and everything is over. One day more, another day another destiny.

Hyperventilates. Heavy breathing.

Chill, I need to come down. You know your stuff, you can do this.

No you don't know your stuff. You know all the formulas but you are not familiar with them. You remembered things but you can't apply. And you haven't even started looking through graphing, inequalities, functions and vectors.

These topics are easy, I can just briefly look through them. Well except for vectors, missed half of the lessons on that one.

Well it's 11.39 pm now. HURRY UP AND GO LOOK THROUGH BEFORE YOU DIE A HORRENDOUS DEATH TMR.

Must not panic, I can do this, I just have to think.

What if I can't think D: like for so many practice questions that I have done today.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

FML.

It's ok. The paper is out of 100 right? To get an A just ensure that you don't lose more than 30 marks.

Easier said than done.

Maths, y you do dis ;_;

A Bad Day

I originally intended to play piano to fend off my sorrow, but I decided to write this post first instead in case I forgot about my sadness.

Every bad day starts with being late, or nearly late.

Blame my white alarm clock, which is supposed to ring at 6.00 am faithfully, and it betrayed me. Trust me if it did ring and I didn't hear my entire family would be awaken and pull me off my bed annoyed. At 6.45 my dad was going to the toilet and realised I was still sleeping, and he woke me up.

I literally jumped out of my bed upon hearing the time. Usually I would have left my house at 6.45am.

Finished brushing teeth, washing face, washing braces, wearing uniform, tie hair and refilling my bottle in 10 minutes. Dashed all the way to the bus stop and waited for 10 minutes for the bus to come.

Thank goodness I was still not late.

Ok, so being nearly late wasn't even close to being the worst thing of the day. Chem prac was really the thing that ruined the day. The previous prac was an epic fail because I didn't read the instruction properly and had no time to finish. But at least I got accurate results. Today's prac was a fail in greater proportions as I couldn't even get legit results. It was almost the same value no matter how different the volumes of the reactants added were. Sometimes I even wonder if my bottle contain reagents or distilled water. And similar to the previous time I didn't have time to finish, this time with even more questions left blank. And made several blunders that were spotted by Mr W. "Maybe you shouldn't go to (REACH) Cambridge" as he saw how I screwed up two consecutive pracs. Maybe he didn't realise how much that sentence weighs. I felt like a arrow shooting right through me. Right through. Not on the knee.

And I got really depressed after that. When you get depressed everything will not seem to function the way they would. No big deal, I almost forgot about it during KI and maths. But there's something that felt heavy in me. I wasn't acting sad, neither was I happy.

And then during PW I was sitting next to J in the library working on our PW, which I didn't really feel like doing. He seemed slightly depressed as well, as the class just got back their GP and GP is hell of a bitch. Without Angela we didn't know what to do. I still have my part uncompleted (or rather, barely started). I was being called a burden a few times. J occasionally spout some offensive stuff that I didn't catch or pretend not to have heard. I acted as though I didn't care, but I do care, just a little, especially when you have had a bad day.

And then at Maths tutorial J got really hyped up after his adrenaline rush caused by his maths presentation, while I sat beside him with no one else sitting beside me and feeling awkward. GT was sitting diagonally across, telling me how he got a B for GP. I was like "Not Bad" and he went not bad do you know how hard it is to get good grades for GP etc etc. He wanted a compliment so I gave him one, justifying that my "not bad" meant "very good".

And somehow during maths I was jokingly comparing tall and short people, saying tall people have less oxygen to breathe. J suddenly went doesn't matter still beat you in chem. I instantly felt a sense of disgust. Now, the more I think about the day, the more disgusted I felt, especially after seeing GT chasing YF to snatch his maths paper, just to see how much YF got for his maths.

I'm sick with this meaningless result obsession. It's just a number. Why bother.

To put a glorious end to this day, my sandwich dropped onto the ground as I headed home. I haven't taken a single bite of that sandwich.

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Disclaimer: If anyone chanced upon this blog, this post meant no offense to anyone. After second thought I only put the initials of the names of people involved. If you see yourself, don't feel offended. We all know that feeling when you had a bad day. I'm probably not feeling the same way towards you now.

hyper-reality

I don't know why, sometimes I feel that everything around me is simulated, that all the people I've interacted with are merely NPCs. Sometimes I feel so withdrawn from my environment that I lost my sense of reality. Of course it's entirely possible that our world is indeed a trick played on our brain (or whatever that perceives). But the feeling I'm having right now is hard to be described. It's even less real than the matrix. I'm basically denying everything that I'm perceiving, but still living life as though I'm playing along with all these simulations.

What is reality? Does reality even exist?

This question has been pondered over since the time when I'm Secondary 4. I have written a post about it but not well elaborated. I have figured out a series of things can be real--the abstract. Ideas, structure, emotions. These things are hard to deny, for we know they exist. Although nobody has understood exactly what they are, they do exist. On the contrary, things that seem very concrete appears easiest to deny of their existence. For example, I'm staring at my computer screen. It is bright, it contains all those words that I have typed, but whether the screen is indeed there is unknown. Colours and words can be easily created in my mind. I could be well in a dream.

Noumenon is real, but phenomenon isn't?

But if we are to deny every bit of sensory experience, we may slip into hedonism or even suicide, both by common sense don't sound good. Therefore it's better to just play along, even though reality may not exist.

Music appreciation post again, and summary for this holiday

Tomorrow, well actually today since it's past 12, marks the end of this June "holiday". I think it will be nice to do a little summary of what I have done, and also to push down the previous post on me being weird.

So, where shall I begin. Ah, first there's astro challenge, which I took part for the first day's and YOLOed. On the second day of astro challenge I was already on the plane to Taiyuan, China. It was some flight, since we transferred three times. Spent a week in China with my grandparents before I returned and went on another trip to port dickson, Malaysia for the annual astronomy retreat. Spent another 4 days there, with 2 days on the bus. And for the rest time I was either slacking or doing work. Oh and I spent a couple of days doing CenTaD research as well. Let's see what I've done:

1. Maths differentiation tutorial 5B (done in China)
2. Chem planning 3,4 and 6 (in one day)
3. Chem BT 2013
4. Chem pre-block test practice (done in two days)
5. Maths revision package topic 1-3 (four days)
6. Unfinished physics tutorial on circular motion and gravity

Ok I can't think of anymore for now. And if you have guessed it, I'm compiling this list to make it seem like I didn't slack too much throughout the holidays, so that I feel less guilty. Anyway, I have reasons, like oversea trips, for the things I haven't done, like:

1. EoM
2. KI lit review (1000 words)
3. Physics revision
4. Majority of KI revision
5. Maths revision package topic 4-5 and mock BT paper

I'm screwed.

Oh right, I'm supposed to share some nice music as well. Forget about what I'e written above. Here's some music that I found myself to enjoy upon discovering them:

Twilight techno

Portal ending theme--still alive

Which brings me to talk about my newest obsession during the holidays, which is the game portal (and portal 2). I have no idea how it developed, just searching up random memes like the cake is a lie, watched some gameplay videos and I instantly began to like it. And until now I still haven't played it. Nomoneynocreditcardsadlife. 

And I found this awesome video, must watch:

Oh yay.

Which brings me to tetris theme because I really love the tetris theme and start searching tetris remix and started playing tetris on my phone which wasted a couple more of my time...

Anyway, tetris remix:

And the awesome twilight techno by minecraft noteblock. I first learn of the music from this video:

And no I didn't forget about portal 2 themes. I love them as well, but still alive is still the best.

Btw I just scrolled through all the videos I've watched on youtube recently. Hmm I'm actually quite productive...on these sorts of random stuff. Can't believe I've watched so many videos in this holiday.

And I nearly forgot this:

It's the background music for the video pikachu on acid. Go look it up, it's awesome in a weird way.

And another video for fun:

Sorry I got distracted again watching amelie videos although not being able to understand a single word they say.

Okay I guess that's it for now. Block test coming in one day *cries*

No, I must be strong, and persevere. This is a test that I must do well in. I think I need some faith. Okay bye.

I'm a cat and I find this offensive

Today, I offended a cat.

Was on my way back from my piano lesson, and I purposely went by the path that I saw the cat on my way to the piano lesson. No surprise, it's still there.

So I decided to bring some entertainment to the cat. I stood there and stare at the cat. The cat stare back at me, appearing uncomfortable. Finally, it decided to look away.

I shifted a little.

The cat immediately turn back in a split of a second. I continued to stone there. The cat turn back again. But its ears are twitching.

Shifted a little bit and jerked to a stop. Immediately it turned again. My bottle in my hand was still swinging, but I'm still. I even tried to breathe slowly.

*Above procedure repeated 5 times.*

I got bored of this, so I decided to do sth different. Thinking that if I jumped the cat can only hear me when I land, I jumped, vertically up.

Instantly the cat dashed forward with a lightning speed. Then it turn back and stared at me in horror.

I shrugged, and walk away.

The cat let out a sharp cry.

Sorry cat, if we were ever to encounter each other again, I will treat you nicely. You are a good cat.