Tuesday, 8 September 2015

Anxiety

This morning opens with a hopeful note. An owl like bird was hooting above my window and although I couldn't see it I know it's there. Now I know owls signify bad luck in Chinese culture but I love owls and even drew a picture of one and worship it everyday. Or maybe it isn't an owl it's just another bird that sounds like one. But anyway, living in a concrete jungle void of biodiversity it's a rare and joyful thing that such a bird came to visit.

And then I remembered the shitload of writing I'm supposed to do today, and all the breathing exercises I did last night because I couldn't fall asleep.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

So I begin by writing this post, hoping that I can somehow get into the writer's mode. This is how procrastinators work. Getting incredibly anxious about the tasks at hand but not going to them directly. 

Just to make you understand my situation I'm going with a boring list of what I'm supposed to do before thursday:

-change my personal statement and email my consultant
-complete my UCAS and COPA
-write finish my 3000 word IS
-study H3 and finish the mock H3 prelim paper

I have never felt more dead in my life.

But I'm optimistic, I believe that I can make it through just like the countless crisis I've been in before. And then when I did it, I'll look back at this post, with my fist in the air, shouting words of triumph, standing in a room of flying confetti.

Right now I have to get started. I'm filled with fear and anxiety, I'm afraid that my writing process will be like constipation - high effort, shit product. I'm even more afraid that I can't finish. But I have to, even if that means not sleeping for 48 hours, I have to get these shits done. 

I'm ready, I have my tea by my side, let's begin.

Monday, 10 August 2015

Oh lovely lovely night

So it happened again. It's 2 am and I'm still typing this. But everything is worth it, I have once again wasted my time on things - some philosophical thought experiments, a game, chilling to music I used to listen, and learning about fallacies on Khan Academy.

This was how my life used to be. Although me doing it now adds no value to my current life whatsoever, I feel happy and fulfilled. So just let me waste this one night.

I always find night the most lovely time of the day. It's during this time that I'm completely undisturbed that I experience complete silence in my environment. It's during this time that my focus and randomness go to max simultaneously. And how fun is that.

But there's this, and there's the reality. Nevertheless I will save those revision packages for another day. Night is when my mind wanders free. I refuse to put a rein over my thoughts.

Just introducing two things in this post. The website that hosts a number of philosophical thought experiments and using them to evaluate the coherence in your thoughts and beliefs is this:

http://www.philosophyexperiments.com/#.VcdnALFkTSw.

A lot of them are on morality because there's where a lot of controversies lie. Honestly I don't give a damn about morality, because having a consistent moral view is really, really difficult. Definitely interesting and thought provoking.

The other thing is the game, a house in California. It's so beautiful Q_Q You hear the tales of grandparents and great grandparents of a little boy, telling him stories of the old days when they catch fireflies and listen to songbirds sing. It's a point and click game that's rather random. The atmosphere portrayed is really nice. If you have time, find a quiet night and play through the game undisturbed. Do not feel frustrated when you can't seem to find the way, just try everything, and you will see the poetic and witty lines put forward by the creator.

http://www.kongregate.com/games/racter/a-house-in-california

So yup, time for me to go and finish the videos on critical thinking.

Sunday, 9 August 2015

I am such a shallow person

I don't imagine. I don't read books. I don't write meaningful things as often. I don't taste music when I listen. I don't question. I am no longer curious.

I don't think of big existential questions anymore. I don't go sleepless at night, allowing my mind to wander. I don't make up stories to amuse myself. I don't search for videos explaining the wonders of the universe or things like that.

All of these things, in which I was crazily obsessed with some time in my life, have disappeared.

All I do now is slipping into hedonistic pleasures such as games, or things that occupy my time by allowing my neurons to fire randomly. Meaningless stimuli just like instant noodle to an empty stomach.

And while doing these, I also occupy myself with worries about my future, exams, things to do the next day, plans that I will never accomplish.

Man, while typing these I'm deeply despising myself for becoming such a shallow person. What happened? What happened to me? Since when have those preoccupations sneakily slipped away?

My soul is unfulfilled, so I fill it with rubbish instead. This, is how people become unhappy.

I don't know, now that I stop occupying my mind with big and important questions, I appear to fit better into my social environment. But at the same time I feel I have lost a part of me that's important. Honestly, I just wish I can make a few best friends that I can talk to on almost anything, and spend the rest of my time in solitude. Shall I go back to my old days? But at the same time, another part of me is preventing me to do this, the part of me that is afraid of being judged and disliked.

It's a trap, once you established a certain impression in the people around you, there's no going back. (taking mental note of this for uni)

Also, my communication. A lack of attention in developing my language abilities has painful implications. My thoughts are like polar molecules trying to cross the blood brain barrier :/ How I wish I can communicate with style and elegance, ah

Back to the topic. Is it a normal process of growing up? Do I have to do something about it? Ok I definitely has to do something about it. I don't like the way I am now. Or maybe I was never deep in the first place. I'm just a pretentious person, isolating myself from the rest with a book I don't understand, bothering myself with existential issues because I have nothing better to do, because I don't see the point in what other people are preoccupied in because I don't see the point in everything.

Maybe I was just bored.

So when I can't afford to be bored, I can't afford to be deep.

Because I busy, you see. I have external goals that I feel pressured to achieve, so I have to do crap stuff.

But when I fill myself up with rubbish, I feel bored again.

Therefore the cycle repeats, I need to find something deep.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this entry, maybe.

Also, I'm feeling very lonely. When I stop thinking about meaningful things, I'm actually less lonely because I don't demand anything from companionship.

But now once I think that it's about time to think of them again, I differentiate myself from the rest. The bar is suddenly raised for my standard of quality friendship. And so I'm lonely again.

Yeah perhaps I really have nothing better to do.

But the urge to revert to a more meaningful life is real.

I'M SO BORED, I WANT TO FILL MY MIND WITH QUALITY SOUL FOOD. I DON'T I DON'T WANT TO BEAR WITH TERRIBLE JOKES AND SMALL TALK. I WANT TO CREATE, I WANT TO THINK, I WANT TO IMAGINE. I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, THE PERSON I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BECOME. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON THE THINGS I DISLIKE ANYMORE, AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME TO FULFILL ANY OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS.

But I will lose friends, I will be lonely, and I may become insane.

And maybe I won't even be able to achieve it. Maybe hedonism is in my nature, I will never change it. I'm just deluding myself, being a pretentious fag. How depressing.

Sunday, 2 August 2015

:the game:

Stumbled upon this game a few years ago and played it again. Satire overkill.  Would recommend 10/10. Some of the jokes may be a bit old though since the games came out rather early.

What? The creator is 13 when he made the first game? Howwhatwhy?!?!?

Warning: intelligent satire ahead.

original :the game:

REPLAYING :the game:

reimagine :the game:


Oh, and I created a custom level on replaying :the game:. Feel free to play it! Just load the following code:

&noci0x1e52c7nl0nl0nl0nl100%dnenoci&drowLE"NKHGilynpfykvjg"qz{oqtqpilynpfykYJGTG"MPQYNGFIGilynpfykEQOGU"CNKXGilynpfykilynpfykqt"uq"yg"vjqwijv%dnedrow&rahc46nl51nl114nl79nl39%dnerahc&ofnicpqp{oqwuilynpfykpq"eqoogpv0%dneofni

Am I ever going to finish the salad finger analysis?  *groan*

Hmm talking about :the game:, I just lost The Game.

Sunday, 31 May 2015

Start of June Holiday!

Actually just another mugging session in disguise. But since it's the holidays that means can slack a bit :3 Anyway since I'm slightly more free now I feel that I ought to complete the analysis of salad fingers in my previous post so that I can have at least one thing completed in my life OTL

Episode 4

This episode starts with SF going to france. There have been speculations that SF has maybe france origins, or he is somewhat related to france, maybe he's been there, as he spoke french suddenly in episode 2.

Then a little stalker boy appears. As with all characters this boy is deformed. He has one very big eye and some stitches on the forehead. He seems obsessed with SF and follow him everywhere while SF seems frightened and disturbed and only want to get away.

Then the scene changes to his house, where a bug SF he named Bordois crawl out of a hole. His conversation with the bug seems to be reenactment of a previous conversation he had, and he calls the bug "little sister", and he said that "your body is so much fun, I just want to give you a big stroke". Some people suggest this could be incest with his sister last time but I prefer to take it less literally, as in the little sister could be what he calls his wife/Marjory/other lover. But anyway this episode is quite sexual.

Then he applied too much force and crushed the bug :| convo continues accusing little sister of being flat and gooey and he's not playing with her/it until she/it had a wash ._.

Afterwards there's a tap appearing at the door which is the bait of the little boy that's obsessed with him. Then SF just suddenly developed a new obsession with taps and want to marry all of them. Here I feel that the "taps" could be a metaphor for other young women that he can have affair with.

SF tried to follow the tap which keeps retreating and lured him into a bear trap. He lost a lot of blood and turned pale just like when he poked his finger with the hook in ep.2.

He ended up in box with a window enclosed by iron bars. The iron bars are rusty and he starts rubbing his hand on it, faster and faster. I don't really want to comment on this but this has strong resemblance to masturbation, esp when he mentioned in ep.1 that the feeling of his finger on rust is almost orgasmic.

The little boy appeared and proposed to him with a tooth ring. SF is scared, said "I don't like this game, I think I'm going to go home now". He drew the curtain and disappeared mysteriously, leaving the little boy dejected.

I interpret this encounter as an affair of some sort, where SF has a suitor that he has some sexual encounter with and eventually abandons her because he doesn't want to marry her, or sth.

Episode 5

This episode opens with SF phoning the operator trying to connect to his "old pal Charlie". The phone appears to be non-functioning as all SF heard was some noise but he continues the convo anyways, saying that he's holding a "grand picnic". He rubbed his belly and talked to himself "stop scratching your basket belly, said Mary Mandoline". This could be another of the conversation he had last time.

He made hubert a friend hat and said a bunch of things I don't understand, like "there will be fog on the shore tonight, bosun"

He then dressed himself like a bride, stared into a mirror and touched at how beautiful he looked. For some reason I feel that this resembles his wedding with Marjory and he's just role playing Marjory. There are alternative theories saying SF is a girl, but I'll go into that later.

So the picnic food was prepared, and a little girl joined SF for the picnic, while a random crow came in the background. I have absolutely no idea what the crow is supposed to symbolize. But anyway, the girl just eat whatever SF offered her. And SF asked her questions and replied for her, so it seems that SF thought the girl is just part of his imgination, like all the other things.

Therefore it's not surprising when he freaked out as the girl spoke. The girl just remained baffled, "What's wrong, Mr Fingers, do you not like my mouth words?"

It remains a mystery why a real girl is willing to eat picnic with a lunatic old man and rusty spoons, and that she knows his name.

Btw during the picnic Marjory was staring at them through the window, I think she's jealous, esp when SF wanted to make the girl as his new playmate.

Anyway the focus is still on him being extremely frightened by the girl's speech, afterwards he imagined the girl to have her eyes as empty holes, sort of demonized her.

-------------------------------random divider---------------------------------------

I'm too lazy to continue so I'll save the rest for another post. Gosh this is taking longer than what I expected.

Back to my plans for the holidays, I need to do KI IS, finish all 4 physics revision booklets ;_; as well as maths revision booklet and chem revision set. I crie. I'll also be flying to China where all convenient sources of internet is banned. My family even want to bring me to Xi An to travel. I have noooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeee cries.

On the other hands I also need to complete my battle cats and cytus hmph.

Wait no, priorities.

I'm becoming the person who talks a lot and do nothing. I despise myself.

Meh, what holiday.