A Bad Day

I originally intended to play piano to fend off my sorrow, but I decided to write this post first instead in case I forgot about my sadness.

Every bad day starts with being late, or nearly late.

Blame my white alarm clock, which is supposed to ring at 6.00 am faithfully, and it betrayed me. Trust me if it did ring and I didn't hear my entire family would be awaken and pull me off my bed annoyed. At 6.45 my dad was going to the toilet and realised I was still sleeping, and he woke me up.

I literally jumped out of my bed upon hearing the time. Usually I would have left my house at 6.45am.

Finished brushing teeth, washing face, washing braces, wearing uniform, tie hair and refilling my bottle in 10 minutes. Dashed all the way to the bus stop and waited for 10 minutes for the bus to come.

Thank goodness I was still not late.

Ok, so being nearly late wasn't even close to being the worst thing of the day. Chem prac was really the thing that ruined the day. The previous prac was an epic fail because I didn't read the instruction properly and had no time to finish. But at least I got accurate results. Today's prac was a fail in greater proportions as I couldn't even get legit results. It was almost the same value no matter how different the volumes of the reactants added were. Sometimes I even wonder if my bottle contain reagents or distilled water. And similar to the previous time I didn't have time to finish, this time with even more questions left blank. And made several blunders that were spotted by Mr W. "Maybe you shouldn't go to (REACH) Cambridge" as he saw how I screwed up two consecutive pracs. Maybe he didn't realise how much that sentence weighs. I felt like a arrow shooting right through me. Right through. Not on the knee.

And I got really depressed after that. When you get depressed everything will not seem to function the way they would. No big deal, I almost forgot about it during KI and maths. But there's something that felt heavy in me. I wasn't acting sad, neither was I happy.

And then during PW I was sitting next to J in the library working on our PW, which I didn't really feel like doing. He seemed slightly depressed as well, as the class just got back their GP and GP is hell of a bitch. Without Angela we didn't know what to do. I still have my part uncompleted (or rather, barely started). I was being called a burden a few times. J occasionally spout some offensive stuff that I didn't catch or pretend not to have heard. I acted as though I didn't care, but I do care, just a little, especially when you have had a bad day.

And then at Maths tutorial J got really hyped up after his adrenaline rush caused by his maths presentation, while I sat beside him with no one else sitting beside me and feeling awkward. GT was sitting diagonally across, telling me how he got a B for GP. I was like "Not Bad" and he went not bad do you know how hard it is to get good grades for GP etc etc. He wanted a compliment so I gave him one, justifying that my "not bad" meant "very good".

And somehow during maths I was jokingly comparing tall and short people, saying tall people have less oxygen to breathe. J suddenly went doesn't matter still beat you in chem. I instantly felt a sense of disgust. Now, the more I think about the day, the more disgusted I felt, especially after seeing GT chasing YF to snatch his maths paper, just to see how much YF got for his maths.

I'm sick with this meaningless result obsession. It's just a number. Why bother.

To put a glorious end to this day, my sandwich dropped onto the ground as I headed home. I haven't taken a single bite of that sandwich.

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Disclaimer: If anyone chanced upon this blog, this post meant no offense to anyone. After second thought I only put the initials of the names of people involved. If you see yourself, don't feel offended. We all know that feeling when you had a bad day. I'm probably not feeling the same way towards you now.

hyper-reality

I don't know why, sometimes I feel that everything around me is simulated, that all the people I've interacted with are merely NPCs. Sometimes I feel so withdrawn from my environment that I lost my sense of reality. Of course it's entirely possible that our world is indeed a trick played on our brain (or whatever that perceives). But the feeling I'm having right now is hard to be described. It's even less real than the matrix. I'm basically denying everything that I'm perceiving, but still living life as though I'm playing along with all these simulations.

What is reality? Does reality even exist?

This question has been pondered over since the time when I'm Secondary 4. I have written a post about it but not well elaborated. I have figured out a series of things can be real--the abstract. Ideas, structure, emotions. These things are hard to deny, for we know they exist. Although nobody has understood exactly what they are, they do exist. On the contrary, things that seem very concrete appears easiest to deny of their existence. For example, I'm staring at my computer screen. It is bright, it contains all those words that I have typed, but whether the screen is indeed there is unknown. Colours and words can be easily created in my mind. I could be well in a dream.

Noumenon is real, but phenomenon isn't?

But if we are to deny every bit of sensory experience, we may slip into hedonism or even suicide, both by common sense don't sound good. Therefore it's better to just play along, even though reality may not exist.