Can't think of a good title

Because I'm so very bored I'm back to my blog only to discover someone is stalking it. Hehehe I don't know who you are but feel free to leave a message in my cbox, by changing to web version. (The web version when viewed on a computer has nice music plugin too)

This also makes me go back to read some of my old posts and urgh, some of them are so cringey. I did write some good stuff that I'm amazed at (Li Xin the old you is so awesome *pat self on back*) BUT there's still bad stuff, like the letter to my KI teachers asking stupid questions regarding KI (which showed my severe lack of confidence), all the MBTI stuff mumble jumble, the random scenarios that I created in my head which don't make sense and just gave me a false sense of superiority. I'm surprised that my writing last time was pretty good. That also means I didn't have much improvement in my writing these two years Orz

I like myself when I was sec 4. Back then, I was sure of what I want and what I like, my mind often wandered free, I was curious and interested in many many things. I picture a bright future of various possibilities. I was hopeful, and I dreamt a lot. Even when I wasted time, it was a productive wasting of time. I learnt things in the process, which just made me more fascinated with what I could learn and I could achieve.

I recognised myself as a procrastinator. I thought I would have to be very hardworking in JC because I heard JC is hell. And being happy that I can finally devote my time to the sciences and only the sciences (plus KI) I thought I will be very hardworking and academic.

Time proved I couldn't be more wrong. Two years passed. While I still love the subjects I study very much, the passion faded a little, the excitement was gone. I wasn't very hardworking, did not give my best at most things and procrastinated a lot. Why? Why would this happen? Is it in my nature that I'm a procrastinator, or is in the nature of JC life? That JC life is destined to be like this, because you have too many things to juggle, and there are too many irrelevant things to your dream that you just can't bear to let go.

I think these two years, my focus is actually more on the people around me. Never in my life so far have I been in a group of such lovable people. I fit in well, and I feel very happy. I enjoy being around these people, I enjoy talking to them, and I enjoy every breakfast/lunch we had together. I thought I wasn't a very sociable person until I enter JC, then I realise it's just because I've been with the wrong kind of people all along (except for my high school friends the few of you you know who you are ;) ). I opened up so much in JC, and yet I wasn't afraid. I'm not awkward anymore, even if I am people accept me just the way I am, because they are equally awkward themselves haha. It's a shame most of those awesome people are very private individuals, they don't open up completely and our friendships will not be at a deep level, but I still treasure the time spent with them very much.

Before this post I was a bit lost with my life, as my life now is quite bland. I'm mainly spending my time doing tuition for sec school/ JC students with two other friends as well as various scholarship/uni matters, and wasting it excessively on whatsapp and social media. Sometimes you have to look backward to see forward. I wish I will go back to the state when I was sec 4, to be hopeful of my future again, to be interested in everything and lose myself in my thoughts. I'm growing up and I hate it. I have matured a lot these two years especially social-wise and I'm happy of it. But I treat maturing and growing up as separate things. A mature person makes wise decisions but growing up just takes away all the fun. I don't want to grow up. I want to remain forever hopeful, curious, simple, playful and optimistic.

Holiday update

So many things have passed since my last post. Here are some updates:

1. A level is over

In my previous post I was still freaking out over my IS and uni applications, and then prelim is over, my applications are over, the long "holidays" before my A level is over, and subject by subject, my A level papers are over too. 

2. Prom is over

And hence it marks the end of my JC life. The event itself is not special, just a glamorous mass photo taking session really.

3. My PRC friends went back to China

This means for any outing from now I won't be able to see them again. The only time I will ever see them is during result release day or if they get into the same uni as me.

4. I went to China

Not the place where I was born, another province to just tour around. It was cold but I saw and touched snow and the scenery is beautiful too.  

There were numerous times when I wanted to update my blog but I didn't, now's the chance to write out what's been in my mind all these while. 

A level is over

A fair amount of time has passed since I started writing this post so I forgot what I originally wanted to say. Mainly I just want to mourn the absence of KI in my following years to come. I love all the subjects I'm studying at HCJC and I will miss KI the most, because it's a meta-everything and I won't be having lessons on it anymore unlike my other subjects, unless I can take history and philosophy of science in year 2 at cambridge. Here's a chart to summarise what I did in KI:

Yup, KI gets sacrificed due to the heavy workload from other subjects, since it's a subject that requires you to read up on yourself when you have free time (but you don't have free time in HCJC). But KI was hell lot of fun, and taking it is the best choice I made in JC. If I could go back in time, I will devote more time to this interesting subject. Here's a toast to my wonderful two years spent in HCJC. 

What shall I do now

I don't know.