This morning opens with a hopeful note. An owl like bird was hooting above my window and although I couldn't see it I know it's there. Now I know owls signify bad luck in Chinese culture but I love owls and even drew a picture of one andworship it everyday. Or maybe it isn't an owl it's just another bird that sounds like one. But anyway, living in a concrete jungle void of biodiversity it's a rare and joyful thing that such a bird came to visit.
And then I remembered the shitload of writing I'm supposed to do today, and all the breathing exercises I did last night because I couldn't fall asleep.
I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.
So I begin by writing this post, hoping that I can somehow get into the writer's mode. This is how procrastinators work. Getting incredibly anxious about the tasks at hand but not going to them directly.
Just to make you understand my situation I'm going with a boring list of what I'm supposed to do before thursday:
-change my personal statement and email my consultant
-complete my UCAS and COPA
-write finish my 3000 word IS
-study H3 and finish the mock H3 prelim paper
I have never felt more dead in my life.
But I'm optimistic, I believe that I can make it through just like the countless crisis I've been in before. And then when I did it, I'll look back at this post, with my fist in the air, shouting words of triumph, standing in a room of flying confetti.
Right now I have to get started. I'm filled with fear and anxiety, I'm afraid that my writing process will be like constipation - high effort, shit product. I'm even more afraid that I can't finish. But I have to, even if that means not sleeping for 48 hours, I have to get these shits done.
So it happened again. It's 2 am and I'm still typing this. But everything is worth it, I have once again wasted my time on things - some philosophical thought experiments, a game, chilling to music I used to listen, and learning about fallacies on Khan Academy.
This was how my life used to be. Although me doing it now adds no value to my current life whatsoever, I feel happy and fulfilled. So just let me waste this one night.
I always find night the most lovely time of the day. It's during this time that I'm completely undisturbed that I experience complete silence in my environment. It's during this time that my focus and randomness go to max simultaneously. And how fun is that.
But there's this, and there's the reality. Nevertheless I will save those revision packages for another day. Night is when my mind wanders free. I refuse to put a rein over my thoughts.
Just introducing two things in this post. The website that hosts a number of philosophical thought experiments and using them to evaluate the coherence in your thoughts and beliefs is this:
A lot of them are on morality because there's where a lot of controversies lie. Honestly I don't give a damn about morality, because having a consistent moral view is really, really difficult. Definitely interesting and thought provoking.
The other thing is the game, a house in California. It's so beautiful Q_Q You hear the tales of grandparents and great grandparents of a little boy, telling him stories of the old days when they catch fireflies and listen to songbirds sing. It's a point and click game that's rather random. The atmosphere portrayed is really nice. If you have time, find a quiet night and play through the game undisturbed. Do not feel frustrated when you can't seem to find the way, just try everything, and you will see the poetic and witty lines put forward by the creator.
I don't imagine. I don't read books. I don't write meaningful things as often. I don't taste music when I listen. I don't question. I am no longer curious.
I don't think of big existential questions anymore. I don't go sleepless at night, allowing my mind to wander. I don't make up stories to amuse myself. I don't search for videos explaining the wonders of the universe or things like that.
All of these things, in which I was crazily obsessed with some time in my life, have disappeared.
All I do now is slipping into hedonistic pleasures such as games, or things that occupy my time by allowing my neurons to fire randomly. Meaningless stimuli just like instant noodle to an empty stomach.
And while doing these, I also occupy myself with worries about my future, exams, things to do the next day, plans that I will never accomplish.
Man, while typing these I'm deeply despising myself for becoming such a shallow person. What happened? What happened to me? Since when have those preoccupations sneakily slipped away?
My soul is unfulfilled, so I fill it with rubbish instead. This, is how people become unhappy.
I don't know, now that I stop occupying my mind with big and important questions, I appear to fit better into my social environment. But at the same time I feel I have lost a part of me that's important. Honestly, I just wish I can make a few best friends that I can talk to on almost anything, and spend the rest of my time in solitude. Shall I go back to my old days? But at the same time, another part of me is preventing me to do this, the part of me that is afraid of being judged and disliked.
It's a trap, once you established a certain impression in the people around you, there's no going back. (taking mental note of this for uni)
Also, my communication. A lack of attention in developing my language abilities has painful implications. My thoughts are like polar molecules trying to cross the blood brain barrier :/ How I wish I can communicate with style and elegance, ah
Back to the topic. Is it a normal process of growing up? Do I have to do something about it? Ok I definitely has to do something about it. I don't like the way I am now. Or maybe I was never deep in the first place. I'm just a pretentious person, isolating myself from the rest with a book I don't understand, bothering myself with existential issues because I have nothing better to do, because I don't see the point in what other people are preoccupied in because I don't see the point in everything.
Maybe I was just bored.
So when I can't afford to be bored, I can't afford to be deep.
Because I busy, you see. I have external goals that I feel pressured to achieve, so I have to do crap stuff.
But when I fill myself up with rubbish, I feel bored again.
Therefore the cycle repeats, I need to find something deep.
Maybe that's why I'm writing this entry, maybe.
Also, I'm feeling very lonely. When I stop thinking about meaningful things, I'm actually less lonely because I don't demand anything from companionship.
But now once I think that it's about time to think of them again, I differentiate myself from the rest. The bar is suddenly raised for my standard of quality friendship. And so I'm lonely again.
Yeah perhaps I really have nothing better to do.
But the urge to revert to a more meaningful life is real.
I'M SO BORED, I WANT TO FILL MY MIND WITH QUALITY SOUL FOOD. I DON'T I DON'T WANT TO BEAR WITH TERRIBLE JOKES AND SMALL TALK. I WANT TO CREATE, I WANT TO THINK, I WANT TO IMAGINE. I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, THE PERSON I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BECOME. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON THE THINGS I DISLIKE ANYMORE, AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME TO FULFILL ANY OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS.
But I will lose friends, I will be lonely, and I may become insane.
And maybe I won't even be able to achieve it. Maybe hedonism is in my nature, I will never change it. I'm just deluding myself, being a pretentious fag. How depressing.
Stumbled upon this game a few years ago and played it again. Satire overkill. Would recommend 10/10. Some of the jokes may be a bit old though since the games came out rather early.
What? The creator is 13 when he made the first game? Howwhatwhy?!?!?
Actually just another mugging session in disguise. But since it's the holidays that means can slack a bit :3 Anyway since I'm slightly more free now I feel that I ought to complete the analysis of salad fingers in my previous post so that I can have at least one thing completed in my life OTL
Episode 4
This episode starts with SF going to france. There have been speculations that SF has maybe france origins, or he is somewhat related to france, maybe he's been there, as he spoke french suddenly in episode 2.
Then a little stalker boy appears. As with all characters this boy is deformed. He has one very big eye and some stitches on the forehead. He seems obsessed with SF and follow him everywhere while SF seems frightened and disturbed and only want to get away.
Then the scene changes to his house, where a bug SF he named Bordois crawl out of a hole. His conversation with the bug seems to be reenactment of a previous conversation he had, and he calls the bug "little sister", and he said that "your body is so much fun, I just want to give you a big stroke". Some people suggest this could be incest with his sister last time but I prefer to take it less literally, as in the little sister could be what he calls his wife/Marjory/other lover. But anyway this episode is quite sexual.
Then he applied too much force and crushed the bug :| convo continues accusing little sister of being flat and gooey and he's not playing with her/it until she/it had a wash ._.
Afterwards there's a tap appearing at the door which is the bait of the little boy that's obsessed with him. Then SF just suddenly developed a new obsession with taps and want to marry all of them. Here I feel that the "taps" could be a metaphor for other young women that he can have affair with.
SF tried to follow the tap which keeps retreating and lured him into a bear trap. He lost a lot of blood and turned pale just like when he poked his finger with the hook in ep.2.
He ended up in box with a window enclosed by iron bars. The iron bars are rusty and he starts rubbing his hand on it, faster and faster. I don't really want to comment on this but this has strong resemblance to masturbation, esp when he mentioned in ep.1 that the feeling of his finger on rust is almost orgasmic.
The little boy appeared and proposed to him with a tooth ring. SF is scared, said "I don't like this game, I think I'm going to go home now". He drew the curtain and disappeared mysteriously, leaving the little boy dejected.
I interpret this encounter as an affair of some sort, where SF has a suitor that he has some sexual encounter with and eventually abandons her because he doesn't want to marry her, or sth.
Episode 5
This episode opens with SF phoning the operator trying to connect to his "old pal Charlie". The phone appears to be non-functioning as all SF heard was some noise but he continues the convo anyways, saying that he's holding a "grand picnic". He rubbed his belly and talked to himself "stop scratching your basket belly, said Mary Mandoline". This could be another of the conversation he had last time.
He made hubert a friend hat and said a bunch of things I don't understand, like "there will be fog on the shore tonight, bosun"
He then dressed himself like a bride, stared into a mirror and touched at how beautiful he looked. For some reason I feel that this resembles his wedding with Marjory and he's just role playing Marjory. There are alternative theories saying SF is a girl, but I'll go into that later.
So the picnic food was prepared, and a little girl joined SF for the picnic, while a random crow came in the background. I have absolutely no idea what the crow is supposed to symbolize. But anyway, the girl just eat whatever SF offered her. And SF asked her questions and replied for her, so it seems that SF thought the girl is just part of his imgination, like all the other things.
Therefore it's not surprising when he freaked out as the girl spoke. The girl just remained baffled, "What's wrong, Mr Fingers, do you not like my mouth words?"
It remains a mystery why a real girl is willing to eat picnic with a lunatic old man and rusty spoons, and that she knows his name.
Btw during the picnic Marjory was staring at them through the window, I think she's jealous, esp when SF wanted to make the girl as his new playmate.
Anyway the focus is still on him being extremely frightened by the girl's speech, afterwards he imagined the girl to have her eyes as empty holes, sort of demonized her.
I'm too lazy to continue so I'll save the rest for another post. Gosh this is taking longer than what I expected.
Back to my plans for the holidays, I need to do KI IS, finish all 4 physics revision booklets ;_; as well as maths revision booklet and chem revision set. I crie. I'll also be flying to China where all convenient sources of internet is banned. My family even want to bring me to Xi An to travel. I have noooooooooo tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmmmmmmmeeeeee cries.
On the other hands I also need to complete my battle cats and cytus hmph.
Wait no, priorities.
I'm becoming the person who talks a lot and do nothing. I despise myself.
So here's a update on how I have wasted spent my holiday time meant for studying for block test. Now let's see, what was I doing...
-Cytus/Deemo
Yes, I have finally downloaded cytus. Despite the annoying cool down time I have had enjoyable time playing the game. Only bad thing is that I'm playing on my phone so whenever I slide the phone moves along and I end up missing a couple of notes. Hope that one day I can play on tablet.
Then I ended up watching loads of youtube videos about crazy people getting full combo using one hand, etc. Somehow I get introduced to deemo in one of the related videos. Seeing how the game is more similar to tap and piano, and how the music seems to be more nice sounding, I went to download it as well.
Turns out to be a really wonderful game, had lots of fun playing it. Especially love the song "wings of piano". Again some parts require me to swipe across the screen, which brings the same problem. Regardless it's a nice game, with beautiful graphics and a beautiful storyline.
-Salad Fingers
That's what the title is all about. I don't know how I got introduced to it, probably was in the related videos when I was watching cyriak. Then I went to see the first episode, then the second, then third...I can't stop, until I finished the tenth which I was first watching. Maybe because of too much cyriak, I wasn't creeped out or anything the first time I watch episode 10. But when I have finished the previous 9 episodes, I gained a bit of context, and also could be that it's 2am in the morning, that I ended up finding episode 10 the creepiest.
If you haven't watched the series, you won't know what I'm talking about here. The series appeared as a cartoon first on newgrounds, that was the pre-youtube era. It got really famous, due to it's disturbing nature and enigmatic meaning. It appeared to be really random, but at the same time you could not help wonder if there's some deep meaning behind them all.
I dug through the youtube comment sections and also some other websites that offer analysis and their own interpretations of the series. I'm going to do the same here, here are my two cents.
Overall
Many theories exist on what is the background of the story. Some say it's just random, some say it's salad finger's imagination, some say it's the post apocalyptic wasteland after the great war. I'm going to go with that the setting is created by salad finger's imagination. If you want to be literal here with the setting, then a series of practical questions emerge. Where do salad finger get his food from? Why does it appear that nobody is near salad finger, yet he can always find people? (the normal girl who talked to him, the bbq employee, the random boy who likes him, the yellow skinned person) If they are mutants, how do they live? Won't they be dead by now? Therefore, my conclusion is that it must have all been his imagination. In reality, he could be well taken care of, possibly in a mental asylum with stable supply of food.
The time this take place could be after both world wars, although only world war I is frequently mentioned (the great war) here. Ok, it could be only after world war I, but it doesn't matter in this case, because all we have to know is that he's living in a post war era where there's racial discrimination during his lifetime.
In overall, I think the main underlying theme of the cartoon is depicting his life through his crazy utterings and actions. It could be the things he has experienced through his lifetime, with random pieces added in here and there because the creator doesn't want to be coherent and too sensible. Now I shall do a detailed analysis of each episode.
Episode 1
Nothing is mentioned much here. In this episode we know that salad fingers like rusty things and spoons. We get introduced to the yellow skins guy, in this episode referred to as young child by SF. The yellow skin guy only cry like an elephant, but apparently SF can understand what he's saying. I guess the animator (David Firth) is just being random here.
Some theories say this obsession with rust could be linked to the obsession with blood, since dried blood do feel rusty due to the iron present in both.
Episode 2
In episode 2 things get intense. We get introduced to his friends, which are finger puppets he made, with formal and intricate names. My theory is that these friends are actually people who were important to him in his life. Real people, with names probably different from what he calls them (since he's seen anyhow making up names for people in later episodes).
Marjory Stewart Baxter is his wife. Jeremy Fisher is himself. Hubert Cumberdale is his alter ego that's bad and crazy. I know it's early for me to say these, but bear with me as I support with evidence from later episodes later on.
He tasted his puppets, first Marjory, which tastes like sunshine dust. Then Hubert which taste like soot and poo. This probably signify that he dislikes his bad alter ego.
Throughout the series, SF appeared really innocent, although the things he do can be weird and disturbing, he actually didn't hurt anyone. It suggests that he could have multiple personality disorder, if my interpretation is correct.
Also there's some correlation with France as he suddenly spoke french in the episode. He could have some french origin, or has received some education.
Then, he lured an innocent boy to reach a fish in his oven. From his expressions, it appeared to be deliberate. As the little boy go in and reach it, however, he released the door to touch a metal hook and poke through his finger with it. "I like it when the red water comes out", he said, which becomes his most famous quote.
Then he get some hallucinations, when he arrived in a meat filled place where a life size hubert stands. Some theories suggest that Hubert.C, when unscrambled, spell butcher. It could be his alter ego that's obsessed with meat, blood, stuff like that. Then Hubert suddenly screamed. Theories suggest it could actually be the little boy screaming.
The whole thing could be re enactment in his mind of him murdering a child, some suggest. I'm not sure for this one. All I can infer from this episode, is that it showcases the psychotic side of SF.
Lastly, in the scene when he just wake up from his hallucinations, we can see the puppet of marjory lying on the floor. It could mean that marjory has witnessed his act of killing the child, or the fact that the other two puppets are missing means that they are co-existing in SF.
Episode 3
Now things are getting weirder. First is his masochistic pleasures from nettles. He first put a nettle in a baby carrier and call it the nettle carrier, then push it away to his house. A guy in a BBQ company apron saw him and got very angry. He chased SF all the way to his house, and watch SF from the windows rubbing his breast with the nettle, which cause milk to come out from his teat :| The guy got really angry and banged his head on the door (with a number 22) cos he has no arms, which eventually caused him to die.
Meanwhile, SF said that the nettle make him think of happy times, with a flashback of him sitting with Hubert in a hair salon.
Then he finally opened the door, with the BBQ guy alr dead. He talked to the guy as though he's alive (like how he talks to other inanimate objects) and named him Milford Cubicle when his name tag apparently says harry. He then hang the corpse on a meat hook.
Then SF randomly start playing the flute, and in the end ask him if he would like a glass of warm milk.
I find this episode the hardest to interpret out of all. Some suggest that the nettle could be an actual baby that SF took, and harry is his father. Which is why he chased SF all the way to his house. The fact that he has no arms is really strange. Although I'm not a strong supporter of this theory, I do find a strong correlation between the nettle and baby.
I just thought of how similar nettle and nestle sound. But this seems far fetched. Ignore me I'm just random.
There are a lot of things that I don't get in this episode. Why does the guy have no arms? Why is his house numbered 22? Why does his happy times refer to him in a hair salon? Why does he play the flute?
I also suspect a correlation of meat with the corpse, since in the previous episodes we are shown many meat hang on hooks, just like this corpse. But this also seem a bit far fetched, esp since this meat-corpse correlation has not appeared much in the series.
Ok I realised how long this post is going to be if I am to continue with my analysis. I will end here, and possibly continue after BT or sth. One last thing to note is that SF use a lot of formal and proper English when speaking. This could suggest that he had been educated, or had a good upbringing.
So I was looking at some old videos that I have watched on youtube, including the internet medley by gag quartet. Then I suddenly realised that, wow, all the memes are outdated. They are no longer being used in today's internet.
I mean, look at nyan cat, awesome face, leek spin, who still discuss them nowadays. Chocolate rain? That song is so long ago.
I'm amazed at how quickly the internet refreshes. In the blink of an eye these once popular memes and rage comics are a thing of the past. Nowadays youtube comment section is flooded with darude sandstorm and illuminati. Even these are getting old.
Maybe it's just me not using the internet as frequently now, but I somehow feel that the time when the internet is fun and buzzing, when it has created a variety of subculture, when different forums flourish, is gone. Now, everyone floods to reddit, and the gaming community seems to be the centre of the discussion. We haven't create many good memes recently, and the new memes created are random and bland of any cultural value.
I don't know, maybe I have simply fallen off from the train of new trends. We are no longer the most active users on the internet. The 00s, they are rising to be the strongest force on the internet. This is a generation bred in isolation and spoilt by technology, fed with fast food and blasted with trashy music. I don't know how they will grow up to become. Well, it's an universal law that the older generation always despise the younger ones. Maybe this generation will grow up just fine. But they will control the fate of the internet. From the current trend, it doesn't look promising.
Hihi it has been so long since my last post. Too busy since J2 started and today is HBL day so I can finally take a break. Actually not really given that it's 4am now what have I been doing with my life. Anyway,I don't actually know what to do with this post. Maybe, some music first?
And the cantonese version because this one carries more emotion, and there's lyrics.
Actually knew of the song sometime in January. Now the obsession has cooled down, still like it though, the lag oh well.
Now I feel like I'm entering a world of increasing complexity, especially my social environment. It has come to the point where certain things I know about have exceeded my level of understanding. I feel like there are a lot of things going under the surface around me but people refuse to tell me anything about it even though they may know somethings about it, and I just feel like I'm left in the dark. Everyone has a half understanding of things and then postulate and judge, and other people will then have half understanding of their judgements, and these other people will carry on postulating and judging based on their half understanding of the postulations and judgements. Cycle repeats. Some base their judgements completely on intuition, some worries about things that they have half understanding about and others assume things, with their dark thoughts as lenses, filtering the world into a dark reality. Sometimes, I wonder if those people who claim that they understand or know actually know anything at all, or if they are just blinded by their own judgements. If people judge less and be more open, I think my social environment will be a lot less complicated and I won't have a headache now.
I feel very old now. I feel as though I will be thrown into the adult world at any moment. When I was a kid, the adult world is dull and boring. It is about watching the news, stock market, formalities, a bunch of trivial and uncomfortable rules, grey buildings and excessive worrying about the weather. Therefore, since a kid I formed a natural distaste for things like economics and politics, because they are the things that adults do and what makes them so boring. Now I don't feel much different than my younger self, except with deeper understanding of the uncomfortable rules and human nature. Now the thought that I'm going to become one of them make me feel very depressed. I really don't get people's obsession with statistics and news. Sigh sorry I side tracked a bit. Anyway my main point is that I have no idea how to handle this increasingly complex social world. Shall I be ignorant or pretend to be? Will I take an arrow in the knee when I shut myself in the dark? If ignorance is bliss, I would rather live in my own world. Trying to know and understand everything is exhausting.