I am such a shallow person

I don't imagine. I don't read books. I don't write meaningful things as often. I don't taste music when I listen. I don't question. I am no longer curious.

I don't think of big existential questions anymore. I don't go sleepless at night, allowing my mind to wander. I don't make up stories to amuse myself. I don't search for videos explaining the wonders of the universe or things like that.

All of these things, in which I was crazily obsessed with some time in my life, have disappeared.

All I do now is slipping into hedonistic pleasures such as games, or things that occupy my time by allowing my neurons to fire randomly. Meaningless stimuli just like instant noodle to an empty stomach.

And while doing these, I also occupy myself with worries about my future, exams, things to do the next day, plans that I will never accomplish.

Man, while typing these I'm deeply despising myself for becoming such a shallow person. What happened? What happened to me? Since when have those preoccupations sneakily slipped away?

My soul is unfulfilled, so I fill it with rubbish instead. This, is how people become unhappy.

I don't know, now that I stop occupying my mind with big and important questions, I appear to fit better into my social environment. But at the same time I feel I have lost a part of me that's important. Honestly, I just wish I can make a few best friends that I can talk to on almost anything, and spend the rest of my time in solitude. Shall I go back to my old days? But at the same time, another part of me is preventing me to do this, the part of me that is afraid of being judged and disliked.

It's a trap, once you established a certain impression in the people around you, there's no going back. (taking mental note of this for uni)

Also, my communication. A lack of attention in developing my language abilities has painful implications. My thoughts are like polar molecules trying to cross the blood brain barrier :/ How I wish I can communicate with style and elegance, ah

Back to the topic. Is it a normal process of growing up? Do I have to do something about it? Ok I definitely has to do something about it. I don't like the way I am now. Or maybe I was never deep in the first place. I'm just a pretentious person, isolating myself from the rest with a book I don't understand, bothering myself with existential issues because I have nothing better to do, because I don't see the point in what other people are preoccupied in because I don't see the point in everything.

Maybe I was just bored.

So when I can't afford to be bored, I can't afford to be deep.

Because I busy, you see. I have external goals that I feel pressured to achieve, so I have to do crap stuff.

But when I fill myself up with rubbish, I feel bored again.

Therefore the cycle repeats, I need to find something deep.

Maybe that's why I'm writing this entry, maybe.

Also, I'm feeling very lonely. When I stop thinking about meaningful things, I'm actually less lonely because I don't demand anything from companionship.

But now once I think that it's about time to think of them again, I differentiate myself from the rest. The bar is suddenly raised for my standard of quality friendship. And so I'm lonely again.

Yeah perhaps I really have nothing better to do.

But the urge to revert to a more meaningful life is real.

I'M SO BORED, I WANT TO FILL MY MIND WITH QUALITY SOUL FOOD. I DON'T I DON'T WANT TO BEAR WITH TERRIBLE JOKES AND SMALL TALK. I WANT TO CREATE, I WANT TO THINK, I WANT TO IMAGINE. I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, THE PERSON I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BECOME. I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME ON THE THINGS I DISLIKE ANYMORE, AND I DON'T WANT TO WASTE MY TIME TO FULFILL ANY OF OTHER PEOPLE'S EXPECTATIONS.

But I will lose friends, I will be lonely, and I may become insane.

And maybe I won't even be able to achieve it. Maybe hedonism is in my nature, I will never change it. I'm just deluding myself, being a pretentious fag. How depressing.