I'm here today to ramble about random things, to just let words flow from my fingertips and print themselves in a haphazard manner on your computer screen, so, please do not read it if you want to see a quality post, go read some other entries that I posted.
Life has became rather meaningless recently, well life has always been meaningless, in fact now it's not meaningless, it's depressing. I'm just depressed for no reason, wasting my time away in a manner that I don't wish to. And I feel low and down for no reason. I thought it will go away, for I feel happy when I don't have a reason to feel sad. But no, now it's the other way round. I feel sad because there's no reason to be happy. I have no idea why I became so pessimistic.
Stress, stress is piling up. That moment when I just spent another holiday meaninglessly away without completing my homework, CenTaD research, all the things I have wanted to do at the start of the holiday. I was playing brainwars, battlecamp, smash, watching meaningless buzzfeed videos, scrolling through facebook and wechat anxious for updates, waking up every noon and going to sleep every dusk. I'm living a zombie life. I desire for change, but this lifestyle has gotten so comfortable, it has the same gravity as the bed at 6 in the morning. The pull is so strong you simply cannot get away.
(Away, I would rather sail away; like a swan, that's here and gone)
CenTaD is not going well, but I'm already too tired to invest any more time and energy into it. Partner is not very proactive, but now I just feel like throwing all the work to him. My accuse is not justified. He has olympiad training, I have nothing. Though I feel like I'm doing the majority of the work, and taking majority of the initiative. I don't mind doing more work, but taking initiative is tiring as hell. But, he has olympiad training, so it's natural that I shoulder more work and responsibility. Right?
If you see my previous post on emotional lessons, I mentioned that I spoke some harsh words. That's after I got scolded by mentor, in a subtle, sarcastic manner. Mentor is not that bad, just that we are too slow. Not doing something that could have done 2 weeks ago. I wanted to do things sequentially. Anyhow, now that I have done it, it became totally unnecessary. Now we will have to dismantle everything again. Maybe I'm taking TOO much initiative; mentor is right, this could be a one person project. I don't have to wait for my partner to do stuff, I'm supposed to do everything because partner is busy and doesn't care.
Sorry for the acidity. Now that I start thinking about it, I got angry again. Chill. Hold on a second.
Okay I'm back. Now that I have experienced anger, I shall go back to despair because I haven't done any holiday homework. Just looked through vector again and got stucked on one question for 2 hours. Was doing tutorial that was supposed to be completed before holiday began. Did two and half questions for an entire day, and it's not even supposed to be difficult. VECTOR GO TO HELL WHO THE DEVIL INVENTED IT AND INCLUDED IT IN A LEVEL SYLLABUS
Chill
Yes, so I have pretty much forgotten everything I have learnt in the previous year, haven't done any homework, research is screwed.
Ok, I think now my depression is justified.
Oh yes, and KI IS research. I still haven't settled down on a topic.
And screw maths.
Screw human relations.
Screw SSEF.
Ok I'm done.
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P.S.
Wow you actually managed to make it this far? I thought I told you that this post is going to be meaningless, why do you still read it.
Stare at you.
Staring intensifies.
Continue staring.
Still looking at you.
My eyes never moved.
You are getting creeped out.
My lips start to curl.
*smile*
*Laugh* you are really creeped out aren't you.
Have a nice day.
Sunday 28 December 2014
This is a meaningless post
Friday 12 December 2014
so much feels
Recently a lot of emotional things happen. It's almost like I'm taking a course that life offers me, everything is bundled and packaged nicely. It's just so coincidental.
First is the lost of control of my own emotions. Nothing serious, no harm is made. Sent a really long message that has a harsh tone, which I regretted later on. The point could be better conveyed. This is one of the few rare occasions that I let my emotions get the hold of me. I'm still trying to get over the feeling of guilt.
Then yesterday my friend lost control of her emotions. There was a built up throughout the day (being criticised by senior etc.) and when we are playing a board game with a senior and the senior criticised her again, she broke down.
She's the kind of person who cares a lot of what others think of her. She wants to be liked by others but it's precisely this sensitivity that kept others at a distance. And this incident just made her spill out all of the previous emotions that she has tried hard to keep under control.
The senior was at a loss of what to do at first and asked me to talk to her. I tried, but it isn't exactly helping. Since she's also quite conscientious about others seeing her feelings, I thought I will leave her to chill and talk to the senior instead. But she insisted that there's no need to hide it from her so the three of us went to a bench and started to talk about the problem.
It was a three hour long emotional talk. Turns out that the senior also broke down when he was at our age, for similar reasons, attending the same event. This incident rekindled his memory of the past. The two of them actually have similar personalities and more or less faced the same problems. The senior started to share his experiences and how he got over his problems. It is a very deep, emotional and insightful session. I felt I learnt so much after the talk, more than the emotional maturity I gained for a year.
This made me reflect about my own emotions. I used to lose control of it quite often. Now, I'm much much better at keeping them in a safe place. However, after this session I'm wondering if I'm actually avoiding or ignoring my own emotions. Over the years I've learnt to not show my emotions and to not care about a great deal of things. I saw this in a page I visited (http://www.intpexperience.com/emotions.php) and I thought it's really good:
For INTPs, the emotions can be like carrying a huge, overfull pot of soup. The chaotic swings and the ever present danger of spilling can feel dangerous. We develop a natural desire to Avoid the negative and dangerous ones, to keep the soup from sloshing and knocking the pot out of our hands. We learn to walk carefully, calmly. We try to keep balance.
In general, we believe that all observations contain important information about the workings of the world, including emotions. We turn our rational functions onto our feelings to analyze and understand them, to find their meaning. Even if the raw emotions are positive or otherwise manageable, the process of mixing focused thought with emotion super-charges them. The emotions can feel very deep and meaningful. That's not a problem until we get violated, embarrassed, or not valued. Then, the super-charged emotion blows up like a ticking timebomb. Again, the emotions are primed to be more intense than for other people.
It's like my childhood. And I still remember the countless times that I nearly cried because I cannot solve a maths problem no matter what.
Re-evaluating my emotion is like opening up a dangerous portal. If I handle it well, I will become a better and more complete person. If I did not handle it well and become excessively emotional, it can wreck havoc in my life.
Maybe if I ponder about it long enough, I will eventually get it.
First is the lost of control of my own emotions. Nothing serious, no harm is made. Sent a really long message that has a harsh tone, which I regretted later on. The point could be better conveyed. This is one of the few rare occasions that I let my emotions get the hold of me. I'm still trying to get over the feeling of guilt.
Then yesterday my friend lost control of her emotions. There was a built up throughout the day (being criticised by senior etc.) and when we are playing a board game with a senior and the senior criticised her again, she broke down.
She's the kind of person who cares a lot of what others think of her. She wants to be liked by others but it's precisely this sensitivity that kept others at a distance. And this incident just made her spill out all of the previous emotions that she has tried hard to keep under control.
The senior was at a loss of what to do at first and asked me to talk to her. I tried, but it isn't exactly helping. Since she's also quite conscientious about others seeing her feelings, I thought I will leave her to chill and talk to the senior instead. But she insisted that there's no need to hide it from her so the three of us went to a bench and started to talk about the problem.
It was a three hour long emotional talk. Turns out that the senior also broke down when he was at our age, for similar reasons, attending the same event. This incident rekindled his memory of the past. The two of them actually have similar personalities and more or less faced the same problems. The senior started to share his experiences and how he got over his problems. It is a very deep, emotional and insightful session. I felt I learnt so much after the talk, more than the emotional maturity I gained for a year.
This made me reflect about my own emotions. I used to lose control of it quite often. Now, I'm much much better at keeping them in a safe place. However, after this session I'm wondering if I'm actually avoiding or ignoring my own emotions. Over the years I've learnt to not show my emotions and to not care about a great deal of things. I saw this in a page I visited (http://www.intpexperience.com/emotions.php) and I thought it's really good:
For INTPs, the emotions can be like carrying a huge, overfull pot of soup. The chaotic swings and the ever present danger of spilling can feel dangerous. We develop a natural desire to Avoid the negative and dangerous ones, to keep the soup from sloshing and knocking the pot out of our hands. We learn to walk carefully, calmly. We try to keep balance.
In general, we believe that all observations contain important information about the workings of the world, including emotions. We turn our rational functions onto our feelings to analyze and understand them, to find their meaning. Even if the raw emotions are positive or otherwise manageable, the process of mixing focused thought with emotion super-charges them. The emotions can feel very deep and meaningful. That's not a problem until we get violated, embarrassed, or not valued. Then, the super-charged emotion blows up like a ticking timebomb. Again, the emotions are primed to be more intense than for other people.
Given that emotions can be radioactive for us, we become adept as using rationality to box in the dangerous animals. Every time they get poked and start pacing in their cage, we use rationality to blanket the emotions and keep them within controlled, safe parameters. In short, our Avoidance has crystallized our rational preferences. We've learned what we're good at, and what we're not.
So why are the seas so stormy for INTPs? First off, it's not our fault. Some people are simply more sensitive to certain stimuli than others. Some people can't stand the smell of perfume. Some can't stand rough fabric on their skin. Some can't stand bright light. For INTPs, the experience of emotions is like listening to music with the volume blasting. We like the music, but if it's too loud, it's painful to the ears. Even if it's not, the blaring music has a tendency to disturb the neighbors. For most types, weathering a bad emotion is like a sailing a lake with choppy water. No big deal. It passes. But for INTPs, it can be like a hurricane. Howling wind and driving spray. You get off the boat looking like Nick Nolte after he was arrested. We learn to become good meteorologists to avoid the storms in the first place.
And I resonated so well with this:
Let's meet Ivan and Irina INTP.
They are cute-as-a-button five year old children. Awww, aren't they sweet?
But already, they are carrying wounds. Particular wounds. They were inflicted by times like these:
*In trying to assemble a complicated toy, they just can't seem to get it right. They get really FRUSTRATED. The feeling that wells up in them is terribly strong. They feel so emotional that it feels like a coming volcanic eruption. They either need to scream, break something, hurt themselves, or cry (or all of the above). All of those things have consequences that they don't want to face (provoking something else, embarrassment, etc.), but the feeling is so strong that they can't hold it back. They might grab handfuls of their hair and pull. Or growl. Yet, their desire (or need) to assemble the toy correctly won't let them stop. Other children just leave behind what is frustrating them or cry for a little bit and move on. The INTP will vent an emotional outburst, then swing from intense anger to intense embarrassment because of what they've done. Big swings. Big highs and big lows.
*In a certain place or with a certain person, they feel enormous feelings of happiness and meaning. It's so powerful that they want to share it with others. But not just share by explaining it like a dissertation. At first, they assume that others feel the same strong emotion and want to feel it together. However, when they reach out and try, it becomes very clear that the feeling is not shared. The rush of positive emotions swings to sharp embarrassment and confusion. Again, the swing is extreme. Other people would be disappointed, but try again later. The INTP may vow never to repeat this very unpleasant experience and never reach out to that person again. Ever.
Re-evaluating my emotion is like opening up a dangerous portal. If I handle it well, I will become a better and more complete person. If I did not handle it well and become excessively emotional, it can wreck havoc in my life.
Maybe if I ponder about it long enough, I will eventually get it.
Sunday 7 December 2014
Coding and cats
Before you read the rest of this post, just a disclaimer that the two items in the title have no relation whatsoever. I just like to chunk random things together and random links can be made, like coding a cat or a cat coding.
Nm, so back to what I want to post. Yup, so two things. Let's talk about cats first, since majority of the internet likes the latter.
Remember the post on me being a weirdo to a cat? After that incident I did not see the cat anymore, and I miss it very much. Every Saturday after my piano lesson I will go the usual place it rests, which is between a bush and a palm tree. But to my disappointment, it's not there. For some time I thought it is dead, because once I saw a mouse scampering nearby. If the cat is alive and thriving he/she will not tolerate scampering of such screature.
Yesterday I was on my way to piano lesson as usual. On my way I noticed a white cat. When I returned it's still there, to my surprise. No this is not the cat that I mentioned above, that one is black. This one is all white, has greyish blue eyes, and the dirt near it's mouth makes it look like it's forever smiling. The cat is emoing on the edge of a 1 metre high platform. I approach it slowly, but it does not seem as frightened as the black cat mentioned above. Then I went really close and lowered myself to its level, my eye focused on it's face. It appeared very uncomfortable, turning it's face away but it's eyeball is turned in my direction. Yeah I'm being weird again.
Upon close examination I realise cats have distinct facial features. This one has a relatively long face, long nose and less gigantic eyes compared with others. It reminds me of someone but I can't remember. Maybe cats have personality like humans too. Every cat is different.
After a few minutes I got up and went away. As I turned it started to lick itself, just being a cat.
I wonder how it's like from the cat's perspective. An unknown human approaches it and did nothing but stare at it for 5 minutes.
And I continued my journey home. That's where the black cat come in. Yes, the one that has been missing for ages. It's at the usual place. Imagine my amazement to have seen two cats on such short intervals and able to see my favourite cat again.
But this time, it's a bit different. The cat has a blue collar. And it's just sitting here, refusing to move when I approach it. Maybe it's less afraid of humans now, given that it finally found itself an owner. On one hand, I'm happy that it has found itself a home. On another hand, I'm slightly sad, for the alert cat is gone. I like the old cat, it had character. I even doubted whether it's the same cat. But what is the chance that a cat similar in appearance appears at the same specific place in the same time of the week?
On a side note, CATS the musical is coming to sg in Jan. Really want to go watch. #randominsertion
Now, coding.
Finally started learning coding at codeacademy. The website offered courses on 6 coding languages, including: html&css, javascript, jQuery, PHP, Python and Ruby. It also teach you useful stuff like web developer skills and learning popular APIs. Learnt a bit of javascript and web developer skills. However, I googled what's the best language to learn for a beginner and it appeared that C/C++ is best to learn about how the machine functions on the fundamental level, while having a steep learning curve and python is the most beginner friendly. Java is voted for its usefulness. Then I learnt that javascript is not java. Hmm, maybe I shall learn python first, then finish javascript and go to C to understand what I'm writing. Yes I'm ambitious muhahaha.
Always thought programming and coding is cool. It's like creating magic with lines of words and symbols. There are endless possibilities.
And the reason I decided to start? Stumbled this cool game called lightbot. Teaching the concepts of programming through a very fun game. Each level is a puzzle. Thought it's really fun, and one thing lead to another. Strongly recommend. Light bot 2 is fun too.
The links:
http://armorgames.com/play/2205/light-bot
http://armorgames.com/play/6061/light-bot-20
K bye.
Nm, so back to what I want to post. Yup, so two things. Let's talk about cats first, since majority of the internet likes the latter.
Remember the post on me being a weirdo to a cat? After that incident I did not see the cat anymore, and I miss it very much. Every Saturday after my piano lesson I will go the usual place it rests, which is between a bush and a palm tree. But to my disappointment, it's not there. For some time I thought it is dead, because once I saw a mouse scampering nearby. If the cat is alive and thriving he/she will not tolerate scampering of such screature.
Yesterday I was on my way to piano lesson as usual. On my way I noticed a white cat. When I returned it's still there, to my surprise. No this is not the cat that I mentioned above, that one is black. This one is all white, has greyish blue eyes, and the dirt near it's mouth makes it look like it's forever smiling. The cat is emoing on the edge of a 1 metre high platform. I approach it slowly, but it does not seem as frightened as the black cat mentioned above. Then I went really close and lowered myself to its level, my eye focused on it's face. It appeared very uncomfortable, turning it's face away but it's eyeball is turned in my direction. Yeah I'm being weird again.
Upon close examination I realise cats have distinct facial features. This one has a relatively long face, long nose and less gigantic eyes compared with others. It reminds me of someone but I can't remember. Maybe cats have personality like humans too. Every cat is different.
After a few minutes I got up and went away. As I turned it started to lick itself, just being a cat.
I wonder how it's like from the cat's perspective. An unknown human approaches it and did nothing but stare at it for 5 minutes.
And I continued my journey home. That's where the black cat come in. Yes, the one that has been missing for ages. It's at the usual place. Imagine my amazement to have seen two cats on such short intervals and able to see my favourite cat again.
But this time, it's a bit different. The cat has a blue collar. And it's just sitting here, refusing to move when I approach it. Maybe it's less afraid of humans now, given that it finally found itself an owner. On one hand, I'm happy that it has found itself a home. On another hand, I'm slightly sad, for the alert cat is gone. I like the old cat, it had character. I even doubted whether it's the same cat. But what is the chance that a cat similar in appearance appears at the same specific place in the same time of the week?
On a side note, CATS the musical is coming to sg in Jan. Really want to go watch. #randominsertion
Now, coding.
Finally started learning coding at codeacademy. The website offered courses on 6 coding languages, including: html&css, javascript, jQuery, PHP, Python and Ruby. It also teach you useful stuff like web developer skills and learning popular APIs. Learnt a bit of javascript and web developer skills. However, I googled what's the best language to learn for a beginner and it appeared that C/C++ is best to learn about how the machine functions on the fundamental level, while having a steep learning curve and python is the most beginner friendly. Java is voted for its usefulness. Then I learnt that javascript is not java. Hmm, maybe I shall learn python first, then finish javascript and go to C to understand what I'm writing. Yes I'm ambitious muhahaha.
Always thought programming and coding is cool. It's like creating magic with lines of words and symbols. There are endless possibilities.
And the reason I decided to start? Stumbled this cool game called lightbot. Teaching the concepts of programming through a very fun game. Each level is a puzzle. Thought it's really fun, and one thing lead to another. Strongly recommend. Light bot 2 is fun too.
The links:
http://armorgames.com/play/2205/light-bot
http://armorgames.com/play/6061/light-bot-20
K bye.
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