First is the lost of control of my own emotions. Nothing serious, no harm is made. Sent a really long message that has a harsh tone, which I regretted later on. The point could be better conveyed. This is one of the few rare occasions that I let my emotions get the hold of me. I'm still trying to get over the feeling of guilt.
Then yesterday my friend lost control of her emotions. There was a built up throughout the day (being criticised by senior etc.) and when we are playing a board game with a senior and the senior criticised her again, she broke down.
She's the kind of person who cares a lot of what others think of her. She wants to be liked by others but it's precisely this sensitivity that kept others at a distance. And this incident just made her spill out all of the previous emotions that she has tried hard to keep under control.
The senior was at a loss of what to do at first and asked me to talk to her. I tried, but it isn't exactly helping. Since she's also quite conscientious about others seeing her feelings, I thought I will leave her to chill and talk to the senior instead. But she insisted that there's no need to hide it from her so the three of us went to a bench and started to talk about the problem.
It was a three hour long emotional talk. Turns out that the senior also broke down when he was at our age, for similar reasons, attending the same event. This incident rekindled his memory of the past. The two of them actually have similar personalities and more or less faced the same problems. The senior started to share his experiences and how he got over his problems. It is a very deep, emotional and insightful session. I felt I learnt so much after the talk, more than the emotional maturity I gained for a year.
This made me reflect about my own emotions. I used to lose control of it quite often. Now, I'm much much better at keeping them in a safe place. However, after this session I'm wondering if I'm actually avoiding or ignoring my own emotions. Over the years I've learnt to not show my emotions and to not care about a great deal of things. I saw this in a page I visited (http://www.intpexperience.com/emotions.php) and I thought it's really good:
For INTPs, the emotions can be like carrying a huge, overfull pot of soup. The chaotic swings and the ever present danger of spilling can feel dangerous. We develop a natural desire to Avoid the negative and dangerous ones, to keep the soup from sloshing and knocking the pot out of our hands. We learn to walk carefully, calmly. We try to keep balance.
In general, we believe that all observations contain important information about the workings of the world, including emotions. We turn our rational functions onto our feelings to analyze and understand them, to find their meaning. Even if the raw emotions are positive or otherwise manageable, the process of mixing focused thought with emotion super-charges them. The emotions can feel very deep and meaningful. That's not a problem until we get violated, embarrassed, or not valued. Then, the super-charged emotion blows up like a ticking timebomb. Again, the emotions are primed to be more intense than for other people.
Given that emotions can be radioactive for us, we become adept as using rationality to box in the dangerous animals. Every time they get poked and start pacing in their cage, we use rationality to blanket the emotions and keep them within controlled, safe parameters. In short, our Avoidance has crystallized our rational preferences. We've learned what we're good at, and what we're not.
So why are the seas so stormy for INTPs? First off, it's not our fault. Some people are simply more sensitive to certain stimuli than others. Some people can't stand the smell of perfume. Some can't stand rough fabric on their skin. Some can't stand bright light. For INTPs, the experience of emotions is like listening to music with the volume blasting. We like the music, but if it's too loud, it's painful to the ears. Even if it's not, the blaring music has a tendency to disturb the neighbors. For most types, weathering a bad emotion is like a sailing a lake with choppy water. No big deal. It passes. But for INTPs, it can be like a hurricane. Howling wind and driving spray. You get off the boat looking like Nick Nolte after he was arrested. We learn to become good meteorologists to avoid the storms in the first place.
And I resonated so well with this:
Let's meet Ivan and Irina INTP.
They are cute-as-a-button five year old children. Awww, aren't they sweet?
But already, they are carrying wounds. Particular wounds. They were inflicted by times like these:
*In trying to assemble a complicated toy, they just can't seem to get it right. They get really FRUSTRATED. The feeling that wells up in them is terribly strong. They feel so emotional that it feels like a coming volcanic eruption. They either need to scream, break something, hurt themselves, or cry (or all of the above). All of those things have consequences that they don't want to face (provoking something else, embarrassment, etc.), but the feeling is so strong that they can't hold it back. They might grab handfuls of their hair and pull. Or growl. Yet, their desire (or need) to assemble the toy correctly won't let them stop. Other children just leave behind what is frustrating them or cry for a little bit and move on. The INTP will vent an emotional outburst, then swing from intense anger to intense embarrassment because of what they've done. Big swings. Big highs and big lows.
*In a certain place or with a certain person, they feel enormous feelings of happiness and meaning. It's so powerful that they want to share it with others. But not just share by explaining it like a dissertation. At first, they assume that others feel the same strong emotion and want to feel it together. However, when they reach out and try, it becomes very clear that the feeling is not shared. The rush of positive emotions swings to sharp embarrassment and confusion. Again, the swing is extreme. Other people would be disappointed, but try again later. The INTP may vow never to repeat this very unpleasant experience and never reach out to that person again. Ever.
Re-evaluating my emotion is like opening up a dangerous portal. If I handle it well, I will become a better and more complete person. If I did not handle it well and become excessively emotional, it can wreck havoc in my life.
Maybe if I ponder about it long enough, I will eventually get it.
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