This is a meaningless post

I'm here today to ramble about random things, to just let words flow from my fingertips and print themselves in a haphazard manner on your computer screen, so, please do not read it if you want to see a quality post, go read some other entries that I posted.

Life has became rather meaningless recently, well life has always been meaningless, in fact now it's not meaningless, it's depressing. I'm just depressed for no reason, wasting my time away in a manner that I don't wish to. And I feel low and down for no reason. I thought it will go away, for I feel happy when I don't have a reason to feel sad. But no, now it's the other way round. I feel sad because there's no reason to be happy. I have no idea why I became so pessimistic.

Stress, stress is piling up. That moment when I just spent another holiday meaninglessly away without completing my homework, CenTaD research, all the things I have wanted to do at the start of the holiday. I was playing brainwars, battlecamp, smash, watching meaningless buzzfeed videos, scrolling through facebook and wechat anxious for updates, waking up every noon and going to sleep every dusk. I'm living a zombie life. I desire for change, but this lifestyle has gotten so comfortable, it has the same gravity as the bed at 6 in the morning. The pull is so strong you simply cannot get away.

(Away, I would rather sail away; like a swan, that's here and gone)

CenTaD is not going well, but I'm already too tired to invest any more time and energy into it. Partner is not very proactive, but now I just feel like throwing all the work to him. My accuse is not justified. He has olympiad training, I have nothing. Though I feel like I'm doing the majority of the work, and taking majority of the initiative. I don't mind doing more work, but taking initiative is tiring as hell. But, he has olympiad training, so it's natural that I shoulder more work and responsibility. Right?

If you see my previous post on emotional lessons, I mentioned that I spoke some harsh words. That's after I got scolded by mentor, in a subtle, sarcastic manner. Mentor is not that bad, just that we are too slow. Not doing something that could have done 2 weeks ago. I wanted to do things sequentially. Anyhow, now that I have done it, it became totally unnecessary. Now we will have to dismantle everything again. Maybe I'm taking TOO much initiative; mentor is right, this could be a one person project. I don't have to wait for my partner to do stuff, I'm supposed to do everything because partner is busy and doesn't care.

Sorry for the acidity. Now that I start thinking about it, I got angry again. Chill. Hold on a second.

Okay I'm back. Now that I have experienced anger, I shall go back to despair because I haven't done any holiday homework. Just looked through vector again and got stucked on one question for 2 hours. Was doing tutorial that was supposed to be completed before holiday began. Did two and half questions for an entire day, and it's not even supposed to be difficult. VECTOR GO TO HELL WHO THE DEVIL INVENTED IT AND INCLUDED IT IN A LEVEL SYLLABUS

Chill

Yes, so I have pretty much forgotten everything I have learnt in the previous year, haven't done any homework, research is screwed.

Ok, I think now my depression is justified.

Oh yes, and KI IS research. I still haven't settled down on a topic.

And screw maths.

Screw human relations.

Screw SSEF.

Ok I'm done.

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P.S.

Wow you actually managed to make it this far? I thought I told you that this post is going to be meaningless, why do you still read it.

Stare at you.

Staring intensifies.

Continue staring.

Still looking at you.

My eyes never moved.

You are getting creeped out.

My lips start to curl.

*smile*

*Laugh* you are really creeped out aren't you.

Have a nice day.