Anxiety

This morning opens with a hopeful note. An owl like bird was hooting above my window and although I couldn't see it I know it's there. Now I know owls signify bad luck in Chinese culture but I love owls and even drew a picture of one and worship it everyday. Or maybe it isn't an owl it's just another bird that sounds like one. But anyway, living in a concrete jungle void of biodiversity it's a rare and joyful thing that such a bird came to visit.

And then I remembered the shitload of writing I'm supposed to do today, and all the breathing exercises I did last night because I couldn't fall asleep.

I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

So I begin by writing this post, hoping that I can somehow get into the writer's mode. This is how procrastinators work. Getting incredibly anxious about the tasks at hand but not going to them directly. 

Just to make you understand my situation I'm going with a boring list of what I'm supposed to do before thursday:

-change my personal statement and email my consultant

-complete my UCAS and COPA

-write finish my 3000 word IS

-study H3 and finish the mock H3 prelim paper

I have never felt more dead in my life.

But I'm optimistic, I believe that I can make it through just like the countless crisis I've been in before. And then when I did it, I'll look back at this post, with my fist in the air, shouting words of triumph, standing in a room of flying confetti.

Right now I have to get started. I'm filled with fear and anxiety, I'm afraid that my writing process will be like constipation - high effort, shit product. I'm even more afraid that I can't finish. But I have to, even if that means not sleeping for 48 hours, I have to get these shits done. 

I'm ready, I have my tea by my side, let's begin.