Because I'm so very bored I'm back to my blog only to discover someone is stalking it. Hehehe I don't know who you are but feel free to leave a message in my cbox, by changing to web version. (The web version when viewed on a computer has nice music plugin too)
This also makes me go back to read some of my old posts and urgh, some of them are so cringey. I did write some good stuff that I'm amazed at (Li Xin the old you is so awesome *pat self on back*) BUT there's still bad stuff, like the letter to my KI teachers asking stupid questions regarding KI (which showed my severe lack of confidence), all the MBTI stuff mumble jumble, the random scenarios that I created in my head which don't make sense and just gave me a false sense of superiority. I'm surprised that my writing last time was pretty good. That also means I didn't have much improvement in my writing these two years Orz
I like myself when I was sec 4. Back then, I was sure of what I want and what I like, my mind often wandered free, I was curious and interested in many many things. I picture a bright future of various possibilities. I was hopeful, and I dreamt a lot. Even when I wasted time, it was a productive wasting of time. I learnt things in the process, which just made me more fascinated with what I could learn and I could achieve.
I recognised myself as a procrastinator. I thought I would have to be very hardworking in JC because I heard JC is hell. And being happy that I can finally devote my time to the sciences and only the sciences (plus KI) I thought I will be very hardworking and academic.
Time proved I couldn't be more wrong. Two years passed. While I still love the subjects I study very much, the passion faded a little, the excitement was gone. I wasn't very hardworking, did not give my best at most things and procrastinated a lot. Why? Why would this happen? Is it in my nature that I'm a procrastinator, or is in the nature of JC life? That JC life is destined to be like this, because you have too many things to juggle, and there are too many irrelevant things to your dream that you just can't bear to let go.
I think these two years, my focus is actually more on the people around me. Never in my life so far have I been in a group of such lovable people. I fit in well, and I feel very happy. I enjoy being around these people, I enjoy talking to them, and I enjoy every breakfast/lunch we had together. I thought I wasn't a very sociable person until I enter JC, then I realise it's just because I've been with the wrong kind of people all along (except for my high school friends the few of you you know who you are ;) ). I opened up so much in JC, and yet I wasn't afraid. I'm not awkward anymore, even if I am people accept me just the way I am, because they are equally awkward themselves haha. It's a shame most of those awesome people are very private individuals, they don't open up completely and our friendships will not be at a deep level, but I still treasure the time spent with them very much.
Before this post I was a bit lost with my life, as my life now is quite bland. I'm mainly spending my time doing tuition for sec school/ JC students with two other friends as well as various scholarship/uni matters, and wasting it excessively on whatsapp and social media. Sometimes you have to look backward to see forward. I wish I will go back to the state when I was sec 4, to be hopeful of my future again, to be interested in everything and lose myself in my thoughts. I'm growing up and I hate it. I have matured a lot these two years especially social-wise and I'm happy of it. But I treat maturing and growing up as separate things. A mature person makes wise decisions but growing up just takes away all the fun. I don't want to grow up. I want to remain forever hopeful, curious, simple, playful and optimistic.
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