Just rambling

I'm using my phone to blog again. Sadly I can only write in html so I have to manually insert paragraphing. I've just returned to sg. To be honest the trip isn't very interesting. As with all group tours to China, we were brought around to many sponsored shops for shopping and the attractions are so commercialised it sort of ruined the experience a bit. But the main point I want to make is not really about the trip but rather how I find myself to be a socially awkward person.

People relations have always been a hard thing to grasp and thus a troublesome thing for me. I'm really uncomfortable initiating a conversation with strangers and with acquaintances it will be even more awkward. What am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to say? Will I say something inappropriate? Will I form a bad impression? With these thoughts gushing into my mind, I stay silent, and awkward silence it is. These thoughts are least welcomed into my mind but they just pop out inevitably and refuse to go away. It is not that serious when I'm with people whom I couldn't care less. The problem comes when I actually want to talk with someone but dare not to. Secretly I'm hoping that someone will ask me some questions so that I can answer and hopefully start the conversation. However of course in reality it seldom works out. I'm much more at ease when the person I want to speak to is proactive, extroverted and friendly such that we may have talked to each other before I realised that I want to talk to him/her.

*edit: now I'm using comp because typing on the phone late at night on the bed is really exhausting*

Okay carry on, although I forgot mostly what I was about to say because it's a new day.

Anyway, people relation can get very awkward for me. Sometimes the reason is that I tend to think too much, way too much. These unnecessary thoughts makes me very uneasy and thus acting unnatural. It's like me becoming not me any more, at least not the spontaneous and laid-back me, and I cannot do or say whatever that comes to my mind. It has to go through a system of rigid filtering and careful modification before coming out. This is very energy draining. As a result, I get tired very easily when I have to interact with unfamiliar people. Also due to this, it will usually take me a long time to establish a friendship with people whom I interact on a regular basis. Unless, under one scenario, in which the person has many similarities with me, but that usually will not happen.

Therefore, in the long 10 days of the trip, I still hardly know anyone by the time we bid goodbye. It is kind of a sad thing. On the taxi back from airport to home I did some thorough reflection to figure out why it's hard for me to interact with people. Strangely this reflection did not occur during the trip at all although I was getting increasingly uncomfortable with my relations to other people in the trip. I guess sometimes I just need time to be alone to think and process what's going on.

There's a quote I once saw on a poster in Google/Microsoft (can't remember which) which says, "All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret." I fully agree to that. There's some things so private that even this blog-which-no-one-ever-reads cannot contain. Apologies to my phantom readers. Also sorry for this awkward insertion because this just came to my mind yesterday but I was lazy to write it down.

As a result this blog entry becomes so fragmented sigh...

Anyway, I'm just an awkward person. Sometimes I find myself abnormal. During the trip I was reading a book "The Elegant Universe" when I got bored. My mom says I look very out-of-the-world when I carry a book around. But what then am I supposed to do when I'm bored? Last time when I get bored my mind will be filled with interesting imaginings to keep myself entertained, but now they just don't come as easily. I involuntarily become more aware of my surroundings although there are no interesting things going on around and I just cannot relax and allow random thoughts to roam free in my mind.

I just think too much, and think too much about thinking too much. I'm now having a love-hate relationship with thinking. Thinking is fun and rewarding, but in some occasions when thinking is not required over-thinking becomes a burden. But I can't stop thinking, for I'll get bored easily. Why do I get bored so easily? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Never mind I'm rambling nonsensical things now. I guess I just have to do something with my life.

Is there more to life than survival?

Edit: Originally I was about to stop here but I realised I have a lot of things not added in. Apparently this post isn't long enough so I shall make it longer (sarcasm intended).

Just two things to add in: First, I think I care too much about how others view me. This is obviously not very good because it makes me act unnaturally. But I can't help. People say you should just live your own life. Easy said than done. I bet a little piece of everyone's heart secretly wishes himself/herself to be noticed and liked. Maybe I shall try to train myself to take less notice of how others view me so that I can live my life truly the way I want it to be.

Second, the part on social awkwardness is trainable. I realise that one reason of me not knowing how to interact socially is due to an incomplete knowledge of social convention. Social conventions have always baffled me because they are not meant to have much sense but people follow them anyway. There's a lot to be learnt. But will learning these things and acting according to convention make me not original anymore? Of course I can just follow every rule society pose on me, and at the end of the day I'll become a dull and ordinary person. That's something I want to avoid. Maybe there's a way to interact with people naturally without changing myself too much. I shall try to seek this way.