loneliness

Whenever I go into introspection, I feel alone.

I've always been trying to find ways in which I can rationalise personality. I found MBTI, I found some hope. But now I lost hope in it again. It's just so fallacious.

Everyone is unique, everyone is alone. You can have social interactions with other people, but it's hard to go in-depth. Even married couples remain mysterious to each other, there's always some part in a person that is never explored.

I saw this quote in Google headquarter once: All human beings have three lives: public, private, and secret.  You can access a person's public life, if you are an acquaintance. You may access his private life, if you are his close friend/spouse/family member. But you can never access the secret life. That will be a locked room in which the key only lies in the heart of the person himself.

Sometimes, even the person himself has lost the key.

Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe interaction with others at a superficial level is enough. But isn't that a bit sad? A bit...I don't know, lonely.

But who am I to delve into other's personalities, when I don't even understand myself? Are we meant to understand ourselves in the first place? Every decision I make seem to base on a ground that I don't quite understand. Why would I do that? Why would I want that? What is the thing, that influences my choices, my mood and my thoughts? Is it pure randomness? Is it a higher being? If there's actually a thing that affects us, are we still free, conscious individuals?

I really don't know. Thinking of all these make my brain hurt. And I'm still feeling very lonely. And more confused.