I just travelled a long feel trip. What am I supposed to do with these feels? Today, I graduated from Nanyang. Looking back, I feel that I missed out on a lot of things, which may turn out to be the biggest regrets of my life. But at the same time, I know that I gained a lot too, and grew to become the me today.
Me now is definitely not the same me when I'm sec 1. I remember then, I was extremely shy, socially awkward, lazy and blur. Although I may still be lazy and a bit blur now, the way I live my life has just #up1level
Err awkward expressions. Anyway, to save on blabbering, I will make a concise list (edit: after writing finish I realise it's not concise at all) of what I've learnt, my regrets and my biggest takeaways, after 4 years in NY.
Things I've learnt:
1. Knowledge, of course
2. Confidence.
I still may not appear confidence at times now, but I'm not embarrassed by my mistakes anymore. I'm not afraid of making mistakes, after realising that thinking people will look down on you because of your silly mistakes is just an illusion and such people will not worth your attention in the first place. (Pls refer to my regrets no.5)
3. Interaction with people in a spontaneous manner--i.e. be yourself
My regrets:
1. Not taking the initiative to interact with my classmates and making more friends in the class.
My class is really made up of awesome people, and they are really easy to get around. I feel that if in the early times, had I approach them, I would have easily made friends with them. However, I didn't, partly because I tend to agglutinate with my lower secondary friend and another friend we know on the first few days/weeks. Since then, we will always stick together and I make no wish/effort to know other people. It stayed that way, until I realise that I have few true friends, especially in the class. Some of my classmates really have wonderful personalities that I adore, like Vanessa who always managed to be so optimistic and I have no idea how she managed to do it, and Rachel whose swaginess I've only discovered through being her deskmate. There may be many people with nice or interesting personalities around, but pity that I didn't get to know them, or know them well enough.
2. Sacrificing my CCA for chemistry olympiad.
I don't know whether this is considered as a regret since I never regret going chem O at all--it is like a rocket ship I ride on to realise the deep and vast universe of chemistry beyond the knowledge held by the ignorant earthling. However, I find it a pity that I spend so little time and energy in my CCA, and not being well bonded to my juniors. This is partly due to the system, as the day of the two clashes. Therefore because of chem O I have to transfer from chess to othello to fit in the training days, and that places me in an extremely awkward position. Both chess and othello juniors don't know me well, and my skill in both becomes underdeveloped. Although in the end I try my best in othello, missing one year of training just puts me in a disadvantage. Also, I regretted for not joining the EXCO, because at that point in time I'm genuinely not interested in leading people. However, because I'm not in the EXCO, although I feel that I helped out in planning of some activies...my efforts are not recognised. Of course I know that the EXCO did a lot more, but not getting a CCA award when everyone I know is getting is just sad :(
3. Not handing in my NYAA in time.
Yeah...so I didn't have 2 points from NYAA in my CCA records, and I got a B3 for CCA :(
4. Not realising and pursuing my passion earlier
I realised my passion in the sciences in sec 2, when I found that other lessons are hell load of boringness and science becomes the best thing in my world, along with cool experiments in Science Olympiad. However in Sec 2 and Sec 3, I was pretty much spoon-fed. I did not do research or extra readings related to science much and was blaming the school syllabus for not including more things. That time I felt that with so many SIAs, projects, homeworks, finding extra time to pursue my passion is impossible. Maybe it is, but it's more like I'm wasting precious time on meaningless activities meant to "relax myself", such as playing facebook games (what have I done with my life). Really, I should have started my own learning back then, and be more responsible for my learning.
5. Not being myself/holding back when there's not a need to (in Sec 1/2/3)
I use to care a lot about how others view me, although on the surface I don't show. This is maybe why I get so shy and easily nervous, because I am afraid of making mistakes, and when a lot of people are looking at me I'm afraid they will judge me. A lot of "what-ifs" will pop up in my mind. I remember whenever I am made to speak in public, I will have an adrenaline rush. My head will feel warm and my heart will beat very fast and I cannot think properly. Yes, it is that bad. And the volume of my voice will be lowered, and lowered, and lowered...
But Ms Yao when I'm speaking in class it really is my normal volume, I'm not intentionally being soft anymore. Not in sec 4 at least.
Okay fine I just have a naturally soft voice.
But really, I think I have overcame the problem now ^^ With confidence in yourself, just be yourself and don't hold back. People really don't care about you that much as what you think.
My BIGGEST takeaways
1. Taking everything with a pinch of salt
Or is it grain? Doesn't matter. This is only a realisation that comes by recently, like really recently after the EOYs. I realise that some things have far less impact on your future than you think they will, and others more. It occurs to me that the most important thing to do is to just be yourself, and do what you like (as in passion). Your dreams and goals are strong compasses to guide you when you are lost or distracted. After a while, you will realise that what you think are important may not be that important at all.
2. Friendships forged in the four years
Yes, you people, you know who you are. Thank you so much for being my closest friends for these four years in NY. You are there when I need advise, when I'm bored, when I just need someone to accompany me. Thank you all for tolerating my randomness, my weird personality, my scientific and philosophy theories and my constant wechat spams. I'm really lucky to have friends like you. Our friendship is not these very obvious but we all know it is there, and how strong and deep it is. Most of us don't show our feelings, or show them in weird ways (like bullying me hmph) but I feel our genuine affection for each other. I wish, as all friends do, that our friendships last. You guys are great people. (God typing this makes me cry again...when can I stop crying)
3. Realising my passion, my dreams, my future
I think this is the most important thing in my life that I have found, in secondary school. I've found my directions, my way of living life meaningfully and to the fullest. As much as I regret not having an earlier realisation, I will also optimise my energy and time in the future to the directions I have found for myself. The future looks promising, yes it will be. I'll just have to follow my heart.
4. Knowing all my awesome teachers
My teachers are the people whom I'll miss the most after graduation. They are the nicest adults I have ever met in my life. Some of them are so nice to us, like Mrs Foo and 吴老师。Mrs Foo is just so perfect, she also has such a nice and cute personality. She is the most beautiful person, both physically and personalitily (LOL I'm inventing new words) that I have, and probably ever met. Her teaching is good, which I only learnt to appreciate after lectures from other bio teachers (sorry teachers, no offence here).
吴老师，she's the most motherly teacher I've met. Also, I can't love her more for criticising the current exam system just like what I'm thinking. She really teaches real knowledge instead of pseudo ways to score for exams. She's really patient with all of us monkeys, and tolerate or even allow us to sleep during her lessons, when she sees us being so tired out by assignments. She's so dedicated too. 最后一堂课，她还让我们不要怕打扰她，什么时候打给她都可以，什么都可以问。我很感动。她为了我们，隐私、休息都可以不顾了。She also bought us so many food and feel guilty when we have to stay back for legitimate non-compulsary Chinese remedial. Really, which teacher can care so much for her students?
And there is Ms Yao, who I really have to express my gratitude and also appreciation for her wit and style. My English is always bad, from primary school, to sec 2, I give up on learning English because I don't think I can ever do well in it. But now, you can see that my standard of English is not that horrible. Thank you Ms Yao for teaching me how to write and how to think. Due to my ignorance and laziness I didn't understand most of your philosophical lessons in sec 3, but now they are my favourite. I also start to get increasingly fond of philosophy and sharp thinking. I love your punny jokes and these moments when you start to laugh but the rest of the class is still slow to get it. I love how you love to express yourself, your uniqueness and the natural swag that just radiates off you.
And then, there are serious but you know they can be not-so-serious-sometimes Ms Zhong and Mr Tan. Their teachings are really good and I can grasp the concepts taught almost immediately. They look normal on the surface, but we know that secretly they are children at heart, esp. Mr Tan. Yeah, remember the rubber ball he made out of rubber bands? Ms Zhong is almost like one of us, I spotted her reading manga on her ipad. It feels great to have a teacher who can relate to us so well. Personally, I have to thank them for inspiring me and igniting my passion in physical science. Ms Zhong, thank you for all the sound advice you give and your encouragements for me to read beyond the scope, to stretch my abilities. Mr Tan, thank you for the passion you show in the teaching of physics, and that sheepish smile when you get to tell us things out of our syllbus. I will see you in GCP.
Also, there is Mr Tay, who can teach really really well. He holds a high standard for us to achieve, and we did it. Although I still find IH confusing and perplexed at how you can sleep everyday at 10, I whole-heartedly appreciate the effort you made in teaching IH and your life values. I'm sorry I sleep in your lessons, but that is purely due to IH and not you. We can all see the effort you put into teaching us. Wait, this is dangerously evolving into a cliche thank-you letter...
Ha, and Ms Liow, I did not forget about her. In fact, I reserve this place just for the teacher whom I'll miss the most in JC. Yes, the most important is always mentioned last. Can you believe it? It has been 3.5 years since she started teaching me. She is one of a kind. I really love her style of explanation--concise, getting to the point, and yet easy to understand. My maths has been saved because of her. In sec 3 and 4, I start to see a different side of her. One that is secretly a little girl, a humorous teacher, an unconventional character. She always give us the impression of bring strict, disciplined, ultra neat and organised, punctual, all the expectations of a maths teacher, but we all know she is much more to that. I cried when she acted in the video shown at level closure. I could have never imagined a person valuing her dignity/image so much can act as such just for us, and she shocked me too by the character she portrayed in the video. Miss Liow, the words "thank you" cannot contain the level of gratitude I have for you.
（Edit: there's a special someone I want to mention but I didn't because a beetle is flying in my room right now and I have to flee）
Though I will miss my teachers and my class, my time in NYGH, I will also look forward to the future. The end of a journey will be the start of a new one. I hope, that with all these I've learnt from NY, I will have less regrets in JC life. JC is short, busy and hectic. Four years,the best years in one's life probably, has passed for me. As much as I'm sad to leave here, I will treasure more of what is remained of my school life.
In life, we all have transitions. These transitions make us stronger, just like how a crab grows its shells.
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