Self-fulfilling prophecy

Sigh, set a good looking do-able list of agendas to be completed tonight, and I'm totally not following it. Got distracted here and there and now I'm blogging in the middle of night. It is 3.10 am now. I shall make this quick.

So holiday has started, while having so many things to be completed this period of lesson-free period should not be termed "holiday" (I don't think holidays exist, somehow the word can be found in the dictionary. Weird. Must have been a misprint) I decided to slack off a bit for the first two days and look, now I have to stay awake in the middle of the night to complete my essay and other things.

Why am I still blogging then -.- gah. Anyway, my point is that in the two days of pure slacking I accomplished a lot of things, that's completely random and serve no real purpose in life. An example will be me finally reaching the cosmic limit of the once loved but now hated game 2048. The 131072 tile hath been created (in practice mode of course, do I look that out of life). Real 2048 fans know that after that tile nothing bigger is possible because to create a number even bigger you will need more space than that is available. Then I went on to play this game called the silent age. Really awesome game. Managed to complete the first chapter. The second chapter is not out yet. But it looks really awesome. Here is their website: http://thesilentage.com/blog/

Now the pianoguys beethoven's 5 secrets is playing in the background. Note to self: never set your favourite music to be the alarm.

Okay I'm back. So much rubbish and I haven't gotten to my main point. My main point is that, I also managed to watch the Matrix. Finally. Found it in an obscure corner of youtube. With my training in KI and all I wasn't really mindblown by the dream and reality thing. However I picked up a very important point on self-realisation: believing in yourself.

Since an early age I have had little confidence in myself. It got better over the years, but it is still a challenge.Being a rational person, I see no ground where I can base this belief on, belief of my capabilities. To believe I will need proof, but as we know, ability is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You will need some faith to achieve what you want to be.

I have based my belief on the measurable achievements I attain and what others tell me. But over the years I realise that it is not a very good way, because that will make one result driven and neglect other more important things, and also most of the time people don't give a damn about other people. Moreover every time I receive a compliment I was conflicted between two feelings, one is to feel happy about being recognised and other to be modest about any good achievements, so as not to appear shameless. Anyway I find myself a weird being that I sometimes couldn't even comprehend.

After not doing very well for the first half of the year, I think I need to regain some faith in myself. But I find it very difficult. Confidence is a positive feedback. When you gain some confidence, you will get more and more confident. But where shall I start?

Yet I know I need to get some, right now. I need faith to carry on.

From the matrix, I know that faith could be a powerful thing. I know I will be able to accomplish great things with it. Shall I blindly believe in myself? Maybe that's what I shall do, although I have no idea how.

Bleh this post is going nowhere. Time to start on my KI essay.